Jim Byrne has helped dozens of couples to overcome their emotional, behavioural and relationship difficulties, and to
learn to communicate more effectively with each other. In the process they got very much better lives than they had
had previously. A recent example was the woman who wrote to say:
...
"Thanks for all your help,
Jim. Things are now going very much better for us. When conflicts and tensions do arise, we are now able to deal
with them quickly and effectively. After a recent setback, we emerged very strong and are feeling much more secure in
our relationship. We still practice what we learned from you.
...
Many Thanks",
...
K.L.,
Todmorden, Lancs.
~~~
Couples Therapy for emotional, behavioural and relationship difficulties
or communicatons breakdowns
"Loving relationships are a result of a commitment to being loving,
and a rejection of anger, hatred, selfishness, and other negative emotions".
Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling, May 2009.
If you are feeling distressed or despondent about the current state of your sex-love
relationship, then do not despair. I can help you. Contact me today to discuss your problem.
Email: Dr Jim Byrne, ABC Coaching and Counselling Services
BACKGROUND ON COUPLES THERAPY
A marriage, or marriage-like
relationship, is one of the most wonderful bonds that can be forged between two human beings. It is a source of friendship,
companionship, mutual support, loving-kindness, and romantic and sexual fulfilment. However, it does not come for free! It
requires the kind of commitment that mountain climbing requires. Two people, roped together on the side of the mountain of
life, perhaps with one or more offspring in tow, working their way towards the summit of their agreed goals, requires a great
deal of self-sacrifice and compromise, organization and dedication. But the rewards are enormous also.
It follows from this description of pair bonds/marriages/ co-habiting
relationships that they are for "grown-ups". It is impossible to sustain this level of commitment and cooperation
from a position of being a "needy child". And the relationship is destroyed by petulance, controlling behaviour,
criticality, sarcasm, lack of commitment, exploitative or non-egalitarian attitudes, physical or emotional absence, verbal
or physical aggression, coldness, and an unwillingness to put logs on the fire of love before you get any
heat!
"If you would like help with your relationship, then phone Jim Byrne today,
"Relationship is the best seminar in town". Shakti Gawain.
(In other words, if you want to learn and grow, look at how you show up as a reflection in the mirror of your intimate relationship).
Here is an interesting video about loving relationships, which is highly evocative, and many
help to crystalize some ideas about where you are up to in your own love life. I certainly hope so:
QUOTES ABOUT LOVE
"Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new".
Ursula Le Guin.
~~~
"A marriage is a house that is built every day!" Jules Renard
~~~
"Spare me your bulltish about love and being in love. A little common decency would go a long way".
Kurt Vonnegut Jr., *Mother Night*.
~~~
"Joy which we cannot share with others is only half enjoyed. Neither gold nor
grandeur can render us happy". Duc de la Rochefoucauld.
~~~
And here is a video clip that shows a couple of excerpts from a solution focussed marriage counselling
session, which should give you some idea of the kinds of conversations that might go on in a session if you were to bring
your marriage or couple conflict problems to me:
EINSTEIN WAS UNSUCCESSFUL IN LOVE
Being successful in sex-love relationships should not be taken for granted. It
is not a perfectly effortless activity. In fact it is very skilful and very much an art form. Even Einstein did not master
it:
"On the fifteenth of March 1955, Albert
Einstein wrote a note of condolence to the family of his friend Michele Besso, who had died a week earlier. The letter begins
with an excruciating confession about his own life: 'What I admired most about Michele was the fact that he was able to live
so many years with one woman, not only in peace but in constant unity, something I (Einstein) have failed at twice'."
(c) Josh Baran, 2003.
From this I conclude
that, to succeed at science or technology, and to receive a Nobel Prize, means very little (to most people) if they cannot
hold a happy relationship together. Or, more topically, to be a great business-person, but to neglect and
lose one's family, is a great self-inflicted misfortune. Successful relating is part of the essence of the definition of Success,
according to Dr Robert Montgomery: (‘The Truth About Success and Motivation’). And Paul
Getty, who at one time was the richest man in the world, said on his deathbed that he would give up all his millions of
dollars for one experience of happy marriage!
Or, as Relate would advise: "If you are about to be married, it's time to seek relationship
help. The latest advice from marriage guidance experts is that we need to take 'preventive' action to escape
divorce".
*The Observer*, 24th November
1996.
As mentioned elsewhere on this website,
I went through marriage guidance counselling, using Transactional Analysis (TA) - plus communications training - in 1984.
I then trained myself in the system of couples therapy developed by Albert Ellis and Janet Wolfe; and added in learning from
John Gottman, the marriage guidance expert at the University of Washington, and various other wise individuals. As a result,
I have had a remarkably happy and fulfilled marriage since that time. I have also had considerable success in helping couples
to work through their marital and other relationship difficulties, and to forge stronger and better pair bonds. See in particular
the article from Spirit and Destiny here.
~~~
You don’t have to be an Einstein to know that unhappy couples most often drift
apart over time, or (worse!) stay together and punish each other for far too long.You don’t have to be
an Einstein to recognize when you are out of your depth!If you don’t know how to build a relationship,
then it’s about 100% certain that you will fail.You would not try to drive a car without some lessons
– unless you are totally off your chump – so why assume you can figure out for yourself how to have a
successful relationship, especially if you come from a family in which mum and dad were not good role models of happy coupling?
(Our core definition of "relationship" is what we saw and heard mum and dad do, and fail to do, when we were too
young to critically evaluate what was happening. So, in our guts, relationship means "what mom and dad did".
Or, which is just as bad: "the opposite of what mum and dad did!".
One solution would be to sign up for some personalized
coaching and counselling, with Jim Byrne, in how to resolve the problems in your most important relationship?
I am in my eleventh
year in private practice in Hebden Bridge and Halifax, and all over the world via the telephone system and by computer. Over
that time I have helped almost 500 individuals, including dozens of couples.Here are a few testimonials from
that work:
"Dear Jim. ... Around session three, the anger just drained out of me. Sessions four and five gave me some
great insights and skills. I'm much better with my wife and my kids, and we all enjoy each other's company so much more. I
just feel so much more laid back. I cannot imagine getting angry about the things that used to send me insane!" H.T.,
Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. (Five sessions of face-to-face anger management coaching).
"Dear Jim, ... Great news! Michelle and I have been getting on really well for at least the past
three months, for which we largely have you and Albert Ellis to thank! I still keep working on my thinking. It is amazing
that I still find a lot of unhelpful ideas, and screwy ideas, washing around in my mind. You will be pleased to know that
I persist with identifying and challenging them, and replacing them with more helpful ideas, just like you taught me".
C.G., Paris, France. (Eight sessions of telephone counselling, including some couples counselling by telephone; plus a few
email exchanges).
"Hi
Jim, ... I have learned so much from you over the past six months. There are now so many things I can do to make myself feel
better that I just didn't see before. ... Thank you so much again for all your help over the months. Your advice was great
and you had the perfect blend of wisdom, suggestion and gentle nudging! I loved it that you used humour and allowed me to
work away at things at my own pace (...). You really suited me perfectly and I'm glad I found you". C.C, Edinburgh, Scotland.
(Six sessions of telephone counselling, plus four exchanges of coaching emails).
"Thank you for your input, which was invaluable and helped me along on my journey. I have
got some really good stuff out of our work; 'How I deal with the problem with my wife’, was cracking coaching. Helping
me recognise how I pile on secondary anxiety atop of the first problem, was a real breakthrough too". K.M.G., Glasgow.
(Three sessions of telephone counselling, combined with email exchanges).
You can contact Jim Byrne by email at ABC Coaching.
Or you can phone me on 01422 843 629 (from inside the UK);
or 44 1422 843 629 (from outside the UK).
Or
take a look at the following pages for more information on my services:
"We humans are by nature problem-solvers. We are generally happier when actively
engaged in some reasonably challenging task, rather than passively witnessing other people's experiences on a TV screen. Happy
people spend at least some of the time engaged in meaningful and satisfying activities. Happy children socialise, play games
and learn in the classroom; happy adults throw themselves into their jobs, hobbies, sports or voluntary work. The precise
nature of the activity seems to be unimportant, provided it is reasonably demanding and worthwhile. Bored people with nothing
much to do are seldom very happy". Paul Martin (2005): Making Happy People, page 53.
~~~
MORE
ON COUPLES THERAPY
Couples therapy is an opportunity for both
of you to review your life together, to see if you are working in the same general direction, are both managing to find time
to achieve your goals, and are enjoying the pleasures of being coupled. Communications breakdowns are a common area of difficulty,
and can be rectified by retraining.
With couple disturbance, there is normally
some degree of upset on both sides, though one partner may think they are uniquely affected in a
negative way by their partner. Again these disturbances can be overcome by rethinking your attitudes
towards each other.
However, in the worst case scenario, emerging incompatibilities
may put a question-mark over the long-term continuation of the relationship.
You
can experience couples therapy with me in face to face meetings in Hebden Bridge or Halifax; or over the Internet. The face-to-face
option is STRONGLY PREFERABLE, and (normally) involves double sessions, so that each client gets their own
45 minutes of session time - so the fee is double that which applies to individual counselling sessions,
coaching and therapy. (See the *Information Pack*for information on my sliding scale of fees for face-to-face work. Telephone counseling
costs a standard fee of $50 USD). Please use the telephone and email contact details below to discuss or book face to face
counselling for couples. Or send an email to ABC Coaching and Counselling Services.
Alternatively, couples (who cannot get to meetings) can work online with me, using two different computer terminals; two different telephone handsets; or the same phone on alternate dates/times; or
the same phone with a common loudspeaker. (A common loudspeaker allows both partners to hear what I am saying simultaneously).
To sign up for online couples' therapy, or for relationship skills training online, or by phone, please go to the *Online Therapy* page.
You can contact Jim Byrne by email at ABC Coaching.
Or you can phone me on 01422 843 629 (from inside the UK);
or 44 1422 843 629 (from outside the UK).
Or
take a look at the following pages for more information on my services:
-- Telephone counselling (or internet counselling), from any part of the globe (apart from the state of California).
~~~
Professional help with problems of anger,
anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, hurt, relationship problems, confidence problems, and stress management difficulties.
PERSISTENCE AND HIGH FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE
"Knocked down by life a million times, I stand up once more, bruised and battered, tired
and demoralized. But I stand up! The secret of success is to stand up one more time than life knocks you
down".Jim Byrne
"Be like the headland on which the waves
continually break, but it stands firm and about it the boiling waters sink to sleep. 'Unlucky am I, because this has befallen
me'. Nay, rather: 'Lucky am I, because, though this befell me, I continue free from sorrow, neither crushed by the present,
nor fearing what is to come'."Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.
~~~
COUPLE CONFLICT
Couple conflict
can arise for all kinds of reasons, including these:
One or other partner may tend to
"awfulize" and "catastrophize" when the slightest thing goes wrong in
their relationship, and thus tend to cause pain and struggle in the relationship.
Either or both partners may tend to operate
from "Critical Parent ego state" - in which they condemn and damn, and shout at, their partner,
and/or try to control them, just like some parent figure from their past used to do with them or with some another person(s)
in their family.
One partner may tend to go into "Child ego state" and whine
about the inconsiderate nature of their partner.
Either or both partners may tend to demand that their
partner must behave in this way; and should not behave in that way; and has to do this but
not that; which is very oppressive, and tends to hook "Rebellious Child ego state" in their partner.
One or both partners may come from a family in which negative or destructive relationships were modelled
for them, by their parents.
One partner may have a 'male brain' (which has a preference for processing
information in terms of systems and patterns), while the other may have a 'female brain' (which has a preference
for processing information in terms of empathy and emotion): according to Professor Simon Baron-Cohen. This can result
in 'talking at cross purposes'.
One partner may have an introverted/thinking temperament
while the other has an extroverted/feeling temperament; resulting in a failure to understand each other's
judgements and values.
Nature may be 'finished with
you', even if you have not yet reproduced, and now you have to find an Adult-to-Adult way to make your relationship work,
without any assistance from nature's desire for reproduction.
You may be too lazy, or ignorant, to
work at creating a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative moments in your relationship,
and thus the relationship spirals down into excessive negativity, and towards divorce.
Or one or
both partners may lack the integrity to be faithful; or the commitment to cope with the
fact that relationships require hard labour to maintain.
And on and on.
To set up an appointment, or to ask for further information, call
me today on:
Extract from a paper on couples therapy, by Jim Byrne:
Eighteen Key Principles of Happy Relationships
By Dr Jim Byrne
Copyright (c) Jim Byrne, ABC Publications, 2009
1. A marriage is a "house" that is built every day. What actions did you consciously
take to build the "house" of your marriage today? If you go to sleep in your relationship, you will wake up to find
it has collapsed from want of repair. Rowing with your partner about who is right and who is wrong, and especially who is
‘top dog’ and who is ‘under dog’, is equivalent to trying to polish the walls of your “house”
with sledge hammers! You will wreck it in no time.
So I ask again:
What
actions did you consciously take today to build the “house” of your relationship?
What actions did you take to stop swinging the wrecking ball against the walls of your
relationship?
2. If you want your relationship to survive, then you need to maintain a 5:1 ratio
of positive to negative moments. If you fail to do this, then your relationship is heading for disintegration. “But
what more can I do?”, I hear you ask. Try this: Avoid criticizing your partner. Criticism is corrosive and destroys
self esteem and good feelings in a relationship. Use reasonable ‘assertive complaints’ about behaviours that you
find difficult, not about your partner’s essence, or personhood.
Remember to set up dates
and assignations with your partner, for friendly talk, walks, outings and sex-love encounters. (Yes! Even after a year; two
years; five years; twenty five years; fifty years! It's never time to go to sleep and take your partner for granted.
Never!!!) High quality time together counts towards the 5 positives that you need. Ignoring, avoiding, discounting or
abandoning your partner counts towards the negative side of the equation.
3. The best way to
get love is to sincerely offer it to your partner. In what ways could you offer love to your partner
which you are not currently doing? “But”, I hear you protest, “what love do I get from them?” That’s
a really crazy way to do the sums. It’s just like the man sitting in front of a cold and black stove, with a huge wooden
log in his hands, and he’s saying to the stove: “If you give me some heat, I’ll give you this log!”
Crazy! All he has to do is put the log on the fire, and fan the resulting flames a little; and – whoosh – up comes
the warming heat.
Do not wait for your partner to start loving you before you will love them.
That’s crazy. Become the source of love in your relationship, and watch the magical results!
For further information on Couples Counselling, please email Jim Byrne.
~~~
"Your happiness depends moment by moment on your skill in emotionally accepting the way things
are". Ken Keyes Jr.
"We create our fate... Forgive, forget, renounce, abdicate...
Scrap the past instantly... Live the good life instantly; it's now or never, and always has been". Henry Miller.
"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. This day is all that is good and fair.
It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterday". Ralph Waldo Emerson.
...
"Every day is a
new life to a wise (wo)man". Bertrand Russell.
"Loving relationships are a result of a commitment to being loving,
and a rejection of anger, hatred, selfishness, and other negative emotions". 
You can contact Jim Byrne by email at 
You can contact Jim Byrne by email at 