Life, Happiness and Success Strategies Take control of your life, and shape it how you wish! "When you
get into a tight place and everything goes against you 'til it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer,
never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn". Harriet
Beecher Stowe
On this page I intend to
accumulate a range of useful ideas related to having a better life; being more successful; and being happier and healthier. "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up". Winston Churchill
Reality Check Let us begin with a reality check. Most humans believe they look out through their eyes
and see the world outside of themselves. This is an anti-scientific view of the world. Actually, light bounces
off 'objects' in your environment, and passes in through holes in your eyes, and from that light, and your cumulative, interpretative
experience of the past, you construct a 'perception'. But it's inside your head, not
outside. It's subjective, and not objective. But it seems so real that you believe in
it. You are born, and then you die. Just a few decades separate those
events. Those events are intractable. 'You' have no control over them. In fact, the 'you' that you
think you are is also a subjective fantasy. But what are you going to do with the few decades between your
birth and your death? What would make your life worthwhile, without harming or damaging others? That's what you
should do with your few years on this planet! At birth, you already contain, in
potential, two 'yous': the good you and the bad you; or the Good Wolf
and the Bad Wolf. The core of the Good Wolf is love, compassion, empathy, gratitude, peace, constructive behaviour,
and so on. The core of the Bad Wolf is hatred, anger, contempt, bitterness, rage, selfishness, ignorance and vanity,
destructive behaviour, and so on. If you want to have a happy, fulfilled life, then you need to take seriously the challenge
of shrinking the Bad Wolf in yourself, and growing the Good Wolf.
This is not perfectly effortless. "The Devil has all the best tunes". And we are delusional
beings. The Bad Wolf "knows" in his bones that he is really "good". It's those other MFs who
are bad! You have to think carefully about whether you are being loving, compassionate, caring, considerate, kind, and
so on. If you are not, then no matter how "morally rightous" you feel, you are inhabiting the Bad Wolf and
misrepresenting yourself as the Good Wolf. So be careful! At birth, you
are 'thrown' into a particular family - since you are simply the genetic meterial donated by your mother and father - but
that family shapes your origins, and sets the trajectory for your life - unless you take some action to intervene in that
trajectory and change the destination of your life. By 'destination of your' life, I mean all those things that
you get to review on your deathbed. "Didn't I do well? Wasn't I overall
good in my intentions, actions and results?"; versus: "What a waste of a life. I lived destructively, and
caused much harm and unhappiness", and so on. What kind of obituary do you want to appear in the local press when
you die? How do you want people to remember you? If you want to live "the
good life" you absolutely have to live "a good life". Integrity, honesty, compassion,
gratitude, love, contribution, are all important; plus a commitment to effective and constructive communication; and
making a valued contribution to the world. Money may be an important part of that journey; but it is not
the most important part. It's necessary, but not sufficient to produce a happy and fulfilled life. Life Goals The best place to begin our
journey is with our goals in life. Humans are goal directed organisms, and most of our emotional disturbances are a
result of thwarted goals. I was almost forty years old when I discovered the importance of goals, when I began to study
the Insight on Time Management program at the Charles R. Hobbs Corporation. This is a time management system that is driven by goals for life, goals for your
business/career, financial goals, and time management goals. But the system is driven from a lower level that this;
from the level of values, or organizing principles. To establish your values, you can ask yourself some strategic questions: What is most important to you in life?
What do you value? What would you like to be known as and for in the funeral oratory on the day of your burial?
Take a pen and paper, and try to answer those questions for yourself. Hobbs says that sometimes values come from a holy
book, a classical novel or play, a biography or autobiography, a family motto, or a system of philosophy. Work out your
values and then resume reading the next paragraph. Tip
No.1: Find out what you value. Before you can set any goals, you have to know what is valuable; what you
value; what is worth striving for. What are your values? What do you consider to be worthwhile for a human?
What are desirable states of being?
Once you know your values,
you can begin to work out your goals. Brian Tracy is one of the best coaches on the subject of Goals, and he has some
low cost resources available on his website, at BrianTracy.com. However, this is not a highly complex task. You need to write out a list of those things you want to achieve under
a range of headings. But what are the most appropriate headings? According to Professor Jonathan Haidt - in The Happiness Hypothesis (2008: 143): "Most of the life goals that
people pursue at the level of 'characteristic adaptations' can be sorted - as the psychologist Robert Emmons has found - into
four categories: work and achievement, relationships and intimacy, religion and spirituality, and generativity (leaving a
legacy and contributing something to society). Although it is generally good for you to pursue goals, not all goals
are equal. People who strive primarily for achievement and wealth are, Emmons finds, less happy on average, than those
whose strivings focus on the other three categories..."
The
goals described above - as characteristic adaptations - are driven by our animal nature, and are not the best combination
of goals. Two of the most important goals in fact are absent from that list. Although I was a late starter with
goal setting and monitoring, I made up for that by thinking long and hard about my goal setting challenges, and how well they
worked. I also had long conversations with my wife, Renata, about goals, as she had studied Brian Tracy's system, and
various other systems. I went on to study Brian Tracy's system, and combined it with Charles Hobbs' system.
Because of Renata's influence, I eventually came to recognize that Health is No.1. Yes, physical
health. Why? Because without your physical health, you cannot optimally pursue any other goals! And Happiness
is No.2. Why is happiness obviously the second most important goal for a human? Because there hardly
seems any point pursuing any other goal if happiness cannot be achieved in our lives! And neither health nor happiness
is on Emmons' list of habitual (or characteristic) human goals. Why is this? Haidt (2006) says something that
may be part of the explanation: "Because human
beings were shaped by evolutionary processes to pursue success, not happiness, people enthusiastically pursue goals that will
help them win prestige in zero-sum competitions". (A zero sum competition is one in which one person wins and the
other loses; as opposed to win win encounters, in which both parties win). "Success in these competitions feels
good but gives no lasting pleasure, and it raises the bar for future success". (Page 142).
Thus, for me, the four main groupings of goals are Health; Happiness; Success
(including relationship success); and Wealth (including non-monetary forms of wealth). ...Insert: Video Clip No.2: Life Review: Are you taking care of your health and happiness?
Meditation, exercise, diet - daily.
Tip No.2:
Write out a list of your own goals, and keep them in a prominent place in your diary, or on your desk or worktop. If
you don't know what your goals are, you will be like a boat without a rudder. Your goals guide you towards those outcomes
which you have already decided are valuable to you, and objectively desirable, socially acceptable, and so on. "If
you don't know where you are trying to go, you will probably end up somewhere else!" ...Insert: Video Clip No.3: Learn to stand on your own two feet (Hazelwood...) "We create our universe as we
go along". Winston Churchill.
How
to Achieve the Goals You Desire in Your LifeA new video
training programme by Dr Jim Byrne If
you want to learn a very effective method of selecting, designing, clarifying
and then implementing your goals in life, then you must not miss this opportunity to sign up for the forthcoming training
course by Dr Jim Byrne. The course is based on 45
minutes of video instruction and guidance, supported by text based information and activities. The course will be available about three to six weeks after the first 50 students have enrolled. The first twenty individuals to send an email message saying "opt into the goals course"
will be given free access to the entire course. The next twenty individuals
to send the same email message will get the entire course for just 20% of the cost, or £4.95 GBP. Don't miss this rare opportunity to set your life on a new track to
success, happiness, health and wealth. Send an email to jim.byrne@abc-counselling.com with the words: "opt into the goals course". Good luck! |
Because
of the points made above about goals, I will consider the key areas in which so-called mental health problems arise,
under the general headings of: # health (including healthy eating
and physical exercise), # happiness (including positive psychology in practice), # success (including how to be successful; emotional intelligence; and success strategies for
life), and: # wealth (including wealth management and wealth creation). Tip No.3: Get a good, loose leaf diary; write your values and goals
in the front; and plan the actions that will move you towards your goals. If necessary, take a good, brief, Time
Management course (online, or in a book is fine).
Succeeding with your goals It is not enough to have written goals. You also need to function intelligently
towards their achievement. And how do you do that. Here is a little model I have developed on the basis
of a briefer model by Anthony Robbins; plus some ideas from 'The Talent Code', by Daniel Coyle; and the NLP approach to learning. 
This model begins by looking at your goals, but quickly turns
to your beliefs and expectations about those goals. Just how confident are you of achieving that particular goal?
If you are not very confident about it, or do not expect to succeed, you will not put in the effort required to tap into your
potential to succeed. We than move away from this model to look at the stages of learning any new skill, which is shown
below this model. Once
you know how to develop the skills to achieve your specific goal, you then move into action; or take further action, since
developing the skill will require concerted action or "deep practice". If
your actions are effective you will produce good results, which will in turn reinforce you to persist with your goals, and
give you feedback on how to improve your skills. Producing some winning outcomes
will also be a boost to your belief in your ability to achieve this particular goal. And
so it goes. The stages of learning a new skill is also important to understand: 
Before you become competent in any skill
- for example driving a car - you are unconscious of just how difficult it will be when you eventually try. Most kids
imagine they can easily drive a car. However, when you get behind the wheel for your first lesson, you suddenly shoot
up into Box 2, where you feel and act 'consciously incompetently'. You know very well you just don't know how to do
this (yet). Once you start working seriously at learning the component skills, and how to coordinate them together,
you develop little bits of conscious competence. That is to say, you penetrate Box 3 (conscious competence) bit by bit,
as you do more and more practice. Eventually, when you have done enough "deep practice", you automatically
slip down into Box 4 (conscious competence). What does this mean. One day, you 'wake up' and find you have driven
your car home from work, and you have no conscious recollection of doing it. It is now a fully automatic, competent
set of skills. To develop this kind of competence in relation to success,
happiness, wealth, relationship skills, and so on, also benefits from some "driving lessons" and some guided "deep
practice". That is what "coaching" is. If you would like to talk to me about the possibility of
my coaching and mentoring you through the stages of these two success models, then please contact me. To set up an appointment, call me today on: Telephone:
01422 847 882 (inside the UK) Telephone:
44 1422 847 882 (outside the UK) Or
email me at: jim.byrne@abc-counselling.com Or click the Freephone button: 
Best wishes to you in your life. Jim Byrne
Doctor of Counselling
ABC Coaching and Counselling Services ~~~ 1. Health: (a) Introductory comments: In his
1989 audio hypnosis program on 'Self Healing', Barrie Konicov, a highly effective therapeutic hypnotist, maintains that medical
doctors (GPs) now recognize that patients may respond more favourably to treatment provided they are relaxed, free from strain,
and have a good positive mental outlook. This seems to make perfect sense to me. It also seems, from Konicov's
talk, that the medical profession has for a long time recognised these features of the individual as essential ingredients
for any healing programme. He goes on to say that "your current and past thoughts have a profound effect upon your
health. Recent medical texts state that from 50% to as high as 80% of your physical problems are a result of your thinking".
Since this seems to be a credible conclusion, the idea of using a counsellor to help reformulate your thoughts and beliefs,
in order to improve your physical health, also seems like a credible option. For more information about Barrie Konicov's
audio healing programs, see his website here: http://www.potentialsunlimited.com/thehypnotist.cfm Of course, healing becomes necessary once illness has entered the life of the individual. However, it is important not to court illness.
How can we court illness? By eating high fat, high sugar, high salt diets; smoking or chewing tobacco; abusing alcohol
or 'recreational drugs'; exposing ourselves to environmental pollution, high levels of stress; failing to get to bed at a
reasonable time, and not getting enough sleep; engaging in unsafe sex; and leading an unbalanced life. It follows that if we want to have good, happy, successful lives, we need to take responsibility
for our own health. That means learning how to meditate and relax, and putting meditation and relaxation exercises into
our daily practice. Learning a good system of physical exercise, such as yoga, pilates, chi kung, etc., and then practicing
this every day, or at least three or four days per week. We need to look at the
Meditteranean diet; and the use of organic food; filtered water; and so on. There are now many websites available to
help with learning these elements of self management. For more information
about staying healthy, go to FamilyDoctory.org, here: (2) Meditation...to be continued... (3) Diet (4) Exercise ~~~ 2. Happiness: (a) The Stoic perspective...to be continued... (b) Tal Ben-Shahar (c) Martin Seligman and positive psychology My dictionary
of psychology does not contain a definition of the word 'happiness', mainly because, historically, psychology was concerned
more with human misery and malfunction than with human thriving. My English dictionary
defines 'happiness' as "...feeling or showing pleasure..." But is that what we normally mean by the word happiness?
I suspect that this is sometimes what we mean, but that we often mean something much calmer, and less dramatic, such as feeling
calm and serene; feeling centred and grounded; feeling bliss; feeling comfortable and at peace; and so on. Indeed, in my model of human emotions, and how they relate to bodily (or physiological) arousal,
the word 'happiness' refers to an aroused positive state which occurs at a similar level of cardiovascular
and visceral arousal as the 'healthy negative emotions' of concern and irritation. That is to say that happiness thus defined
is a reasonable level of positive emotion, with a reasonable level of physiological arousal. ...more here... ~~~ 3. Success:...to
be continued... (a) Robert Montgomery and Brian Tracy (b) Dale Carnegie and relationships: (c) Werner Erhard
and relationships: Success! What does that mean to you? For some people it means
a bigger car. A bigger house. More cash to blow on empty calories. More conspicuous consumption. That, of course, is a possible
way to be. But it is not success! It is not a form of 'right livelihood'. And it has nothing to do with the
road to happiness or completion as a human being. Indeed there seem to be more
'failures' among the super-rich today than among the moderately poor. (See 'Affluenza', by Oliver James, psychologist and
author). There are many different ways of defining and approaching personal and
professional success, and success in life in general. My dictionary defines success as: "1. the accomplishment of an
aim or purpose. 2. the gaining of fame, wealth, or social status..." And I would say that while number one is an important
part of my definition of success, number two quite definitely is not. If you do what you love in life, and love the people
in your life, you will gain all the acclaim and joyful success that any person could reasonably want. And if you do what you
love, the money often will follow. More on the Psychology of Success. ~~~ 4. Wealth:...still under development... (a)
Brian Tracy, Napoleon Hill and The Secret (b)
W. Clement Stone
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