*WHO CONTROLS YOU?*
How Rational Emotive
Behaviour Therapy can help you change unwanted emotions and behaviours
By Wayne
Froggatt
Copyright Notice: This document is copyright © to the author (1990-97).
Single copies (which include this notice) may be made for therapeutic or training purposes. For permission to use it in any
other way, please contact: Wayne Froggatt, PO Box 2292, Stortford Lodge, Hastings, New Zealand. (E-mail: mailto:wayne@rational.org.nz) Comments are welcomed. This document is located on the internet site: New Zealand Centre for REBT.
Most people want to be happy. They would like
to feel good, avoid pain, and achieve their goals. For many, though, happiness seems to be an elusive dream. In fact, it appears
that we humans are much better at disturbing and defeating ourselves! Instead of feeling good, we are more likely to worry,
feel guilty and get depressed. We put ourselves down and feel shy, hurt or self-pitying. We get jealous, angry, hostile and
bitter or suffer anxiety, tension and panic.
On top of feeling bad, we often
act in self-destructive ways. Some strive to be perfect in everything they do. Many mess up relationships. Others worry about
disapproval and let people use them as doormats. Still others compulsively gamble, smoke and overspend - or abuse alcohol,
drugs and food. Some even try to end it all.
The strange thing is, most of this
pain is avoidable! We don’t have to do it to ourselves. Humans can, believe it or not, learn how to choose how they
feel and behave.
As you think, so you feel.
People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.’ Ancient words, from
a first-century philosopher named Epictetus - but they are just as true now.
Events
and circumstances do not cause your reactions. They result from what you tell yourself about the things that happen. Put simply,
thoughts cause feelings and behaviours. Or, more precisely, events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then
create reactions. These three processes are intertwined.
The past is significant.
But only in so far as it leaves you with your current attitudes and beliefs. External events - whether in the past, present,
or future - cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of and begin to think about them.
To fear something (or react in any other way), you have to be thinking about it. The cause is not
the event - it’s what you tell yourself about the event.
The
ABC’s of feelings & behaviours:
American psychologist
Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), was one of the first to systematically show how
beliefs determine the way human beings feel and behave. Dr. Ellis developed the 'ABC’ model to demonstrate this.
'A’ refers to whatever started things off: a circumstance, event or experience - or just thinking
about something which has happened. This triggers off thoughts ('B’), which in turn create a reaction - feelings and
behaviours - ('C’).
To see this in operation, let’s meet Alan. A
young man who had always tended to doubt himself, Alan imagined that other people did not like him, and that they were only
friendly because they pitied him. One day, a friend passed him in the street without returning his greeting - to which Alan
reacted negatively. Here is the event, Alan’s beliefs, and his reaction, put into the ABC format:
A. What started things off: Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He’s ignoring me. He doesn’t
like me.
2. I could end up without friends for ever.
3. That would be terrible.
4. For me to be happy and feel worthwhile,
people must like me.
5. I’m unacceptable as a friend - so I must be worthless
as a person.
C. Reaction:
Feelings:
worthless, depressed.
Behaviours: avoiding people generally.
Now, someone who thought differently about the same event would react in another way:
A. What started things off: Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He didn’t ignore me deliberately.
He may not have seen me.
2. He might have something on his mind.
3. I’d like to help if I can.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: Concerned.
Behaviours: Went to visit friend,
to see how he is.
These examples show how different ways of viewing the same
event can lead to different reactions. The same principle operates in reverse: when people react alike, it is because they
are thinking in similar ways.
The
rules we live by:
What we tell ourselves in specific situations
depends on the rules we hold. Everyone has a set of general 'rules’. Some will be rational, others will be self-defeating
or irrational. Each person’s set is different.
Mostly subconscious, these
rules determine how we react to life. When an event triggers off a train of thought, what we consciously think depends on
the general rules we subconsciously apply to the event.
Let us say that you hold
the general rule: 'To be worthwhile, I must succeed at everything I do.' You happen to fail an examination; an event which,
coupled with the underlying rule, leads you to the conclusion: 'I’m not worthwhile.'
Underlying
rules are generalisations: one rule can apply to many situations. If you believe, for example: 'I can’t stand discomfort
and pain and must avoid them at all costs,’ you might apply this to the dentist, to work, to relationships, and to life
in general.
Why be concerned about your rules?
While most will be valid and helpful, some will be self-defeating. Faulty rules will lead to faulty
conclusions. Take the rule: 'If I am to feel OK about myself, others must like and approve of me.’ Let us say that your
boss tells you off. You may (rightly) think: 'He is angry with me’ - but you may wrongly conclude: 'This proves I’m
a failure.’ And changing the situation (for instance, getting your boss to like you) would still leave the underlying
rule untouched. It would then be there to bother you whenever some future event triggered it off. Most self-defeating rules
are a variation of one or other of the '12 Self-defeating Beliefs’ listed at the end of this article. Take a look at
this list now. Which ones do you identify with? Which are the ones that guide your reactions?
What are self-defeating beliefs?
To describe
a belief as self-defeating, or irrational, is to say that: • It distorts reality (it’s a misinterpretation of what’s
happening); or it involves some illogical ways of evaluating yourself, others, and the world around you: awfulising, can’t-stand-it-itis,
demanding and people-rating;
- It
blocks you from achieving your goals and purposes;
- It creates
extreme emotions which persist, and which distress and immobilise; and:
- It
leads to behaviours that harm yourself, others, and your life in general.
Four ways to screw yourself up:
There
are four typical ways of thinking that will make you feel bad or behave in dysfunctional ways:
1. Awfulising: using words like 'awful', 'terrible’, 'horrible', 'catastrophic' to describe something
- e.g. 'It would be terrible if …', 'It’s the worst thing that could happen', 'That would be the end of the world'.
2. Cant-stand-it-itis: viewing an event or experience as unbearable - e.g. 'I
can’t stand it', 'It’s absolutely unbearable', I’ll die if I get rejected'.
3. Demanding: using 'shoulds' (moralising) or 'musts' (musturbating) - e.g. 'I should not have done that',
'I must not fail', 'I need to be loved', 'I have to have a drink'.
4. People-rating:
labelling or rating your total self (or someone else’s) - e.g. 'I’m stupid /hopeless /useless /worthless.'
Rational thinking:
Rational
thinking presents a vivid contrast to its illogical opposite:
It is based on reality - it emphasises seeing things as they really are, keeping their badness in
perspective, tolerating frustration and discomfort, preferring rather than demanding, and self-acceptance;
It helps you achieve your goals and purposes;
It
creates emotions you can handle; and
It helps you behave in ways
which promote your aims and survival. We are not talking about so-called 'positive
thinking’. Rational thinking is realistic thinking. It is concerned with facts - the real world - rather than subjective
opinion or wishful thinking.
Realistic thinking leads to realistic emotions.
Negative feelings aren’t always bad for you. Neither are all positive feelings beneficial. Feeling happy when someone
you love has died, for example, may hinder you from grieving properly. Or to be unconcerned in the face of real danger could
put your survival at risk. Realistic thinking avoids exaggeration of both kinds - negative and positive.
The techniques of change:
How
does one actually set about achieving self-control and choice? The best place to start is by learning how to identify the
thoughts and beliefs which cause your problems.
Next, learn how to apply this
knowledge by analysing specific episodes where you feel and behave in the ways you would like to change. It is most effective
to do this in writing at first, and later it will become easier to do it in your head. You connect whatever started things
off, your reaction, and the thoughts which came in between. You then check out those thoughts and change the self-defeating
ones. This method, called Rational Self-Analysis, uses the ABC approach described earlier, extended to include sections for
setting a goal or new desired effect ('E’), disputing and changing beliefs ('D’), and, finally, further action
to put those changes into practice ('F’).