Obedience and Revolt:
Mysterious roots of half a life
By Daniel O’Beeve
Edited and published by
Dr Jim Byrne
This book contains the most detailed and intricate psychoanalytic case study of the twenty-first
It’s the story of one man’s life, from birth to the age
of about 39 years.
It explores his dysfunctional relationship with his mother;
- his schooling (which is alternately vicious and hilarious!);
- his cultural transmigrations, which are painful, brave and dramatic;
- his attempts to figure out how to relate to girls; to find love; to understand and master his sexuality;
- his relationships in general; his political ambitions; his career;
- and ultimately – the mysterious secret which has been the driving force of his family history from the beginning:
The Big Secret; the Tap Root of his life; and how it is resolved!
All of this
is backed up with some background pre-history of his family and tribe.
# the impact of family
history on the attachment style, and the relationship possibilities, of individual children;
# the way physical and psychological cruelty runs down the generations, within families and communities
# and the way the potential
of an individual is somehow miraculously conserved, through cruel years of environmental distortion, waiting for the day when
it can find a suitable environment in which to flower and flourish.
This book is a mystery story, with an unpredictable ending. It blends memoir, science
fiction, history, psychology, philosophy and a selection of classical literary allusions and references, all rolled into one
big, heroic journey which is destined to become a classic in its own right.
It should appeal to readers
who are interested in mystery dramas; clever detective work; psychological thrillers; family therapy and family history; heroic
journeys; cross-cultural travel; love relationships; adult sex-love difficulties and resolutions; great and small political
struggles; Irish mythology; cultural history of 1950s Ireland; cultural history of the UK in the 1960s-‘80s; an
expose of basic military training in the UK; sanity and insanity; forgiveness and love; as well as the tension between obedience
Apart from the general readers who will be drawn to
many of these topics, this book should also appeal to counsellors, psychologists, psychotherapists, psychoanalysts, childhood
development experts, moral philosophers and political theorists.
Nothing so intricate and detailed could ever be culled from
the diaries or journals of a single individual. Indeed, it did involve Daniel in four major writing challenges.
He began by writing two stories:
Firstly: The memoir
of the first eighteen years of his life;
And secondly: A biography of his life
from the age of eighteen years to thirty-nine years.
He then wove those two strands of story together, based upon clues and hints and insights
from some helpful elements of the best of British, American, French, Russian and general European literature, from Cervantes
to Donna Tartt, via Joseph Heller, Kurt Vonnegut and Ursula Le Guin.
identified the gaps in his jig-saw story, and filled those holes with mainstream and cutting-edge psychological theories and
insights; plus fictionalized elements that are compatible with the overall shape and depth and truth of the basic stories.
What emerges is a story – an autobiographical novel – a psychological thriller
- which entertains and instructs, informs and inspires, and illustrates the power of narrative therapy: both written and read.
It also charts the ‘learning by doing’ adventures of a young man who has a defective map of the social world;
and illustrates his indomitable spirit! His unwillingness to give up. His determination to life more than half
The emotional punch of some sections of this book were so powerful they
bowled me over; they brought tears to my eyes; while other elements caused me moments of such intense elevation that
I felt I was living at ten times my normal intensity.
This is a very enjoyable,
instructive, social document of immense importance for our futures – for all of us on this planet!
The manuscript as a whole is still in the editing process; but we expect it to appear on Amazon in
the summer of 2015.
This book will be available for sale from this web page in just a few weeks.
Chapter 14 (of 29) has already been edited. The remainder of the book in not only written, but recently rewritten;
and only awaits a final edit before it is made available to the public.
Dr Jim Byrne – 25th April 2015
Editor and publisher of Daniel’s work.
All of the material displayed on this page is subject to Copyright Law. No part of this material may be used in
any way without the explicit written permission of the copyright holders: Dr Jim Byrne and the Institute for CENT.
Foreword - by Dr Jim Byrne - Copyright
(c) The Institute for CENT and Dr Jim Byrne
“Is life really just ‘a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing’, as
suggested by Shakespeare, in one of his darker moments? Or is it a glorious opportunity to walk the bloody way of progress;
to haul your burden towards the borders of sanity; and then to emerge in a golden dawn of personal triumph, when you have
finally faced down your last adversity?”
Maguire. Irish Magus…
Daniel O’Beeve arrived in the small town of Alton Cross, in the High Peaks, during
the heavy snowstorms of January 1979. He was just thirty-three years old; but he was totally burned out. Exhausted
from fifteen years of stumbling from one emotional crisis to another. His six-year marriage was over; his two-year affair
was over; his overseas-career was over; he had lost the chance to be a father to twin girls. He had spent the past two
years using drugs to get him through his daily difficulties. And then there was the earlier seven years of isolated
loneliness and confusion to factor in.
Alton Cross was the remote town where
he would finally encounter his devils. This would be his final chance to face them down, before despair overwhelmed
He hated Alton Cross from the moment he arrived. He wrote a song
about it, and played it on his guitar:
valley is empty now. Nothing moves on the streets…”.
This is one of the strangest, most intimate, most moving and delightful autobiographical
stories I have ever read. It is somewhat fictionalized, so it counts as a semi-autobiographical novel – but it
feels as if the person who wrote it lived every pain and joy on these pages.
am proud to introduce the writing of Daniel O’Beeve to the world, and convinced that this will become one of the great
stories of post-post-modern literature. Each time I read it, I see and hear it on the Hollywood screen that I carry
in my head for that purpose!
I was delighted, some four years ago, to be chosen
by Daniel O’Beeve to edit and publish the story of his fascinating, difficult, challenging life. In particular,
I was very happy that Daniel had been influenced by some of my writings about my own childhood. This, he writes, encouraged
him to take the bull by the horns, and to face up to the highly dysfunctional family history which had distorted most of his
Daniel was a product of inadequate parenting, in a culture which
was deeply wounded by colonial exploitation. By writing the story of his life, he hoped to dispel some of his demons; and
also to help others to come to terms with some quite common human problems and difficulties – especially problems to
do with relationships and love; and especially sex-love. In the process, he also reveals some highly comical and ludicrous
elements of his family life, his school experiences, and his wider experiences of the world.
The main reason I admire Daniel so much is this: What he has written has such a raw honesty that it touches me deeply.
And I know how much courage it must have taken for him to admit some of these stories; to accept them as part of himself;
even to acknowledge them, in the privacy of his own mind. But because of his openness and honesty, he has also recorded
a good number of lighter moments, which are touching.
With every chapter that
I have read, I felt I had become a little wiser than before; a little more compassionate; a little more human.
Initially, we published the first eighteen
years of his life, which was sub-edited by BM, a mutual friend in Brighton. (I am very grateful to BM for that favour!)
However, Daniel has become unhappy with that cut-off point, and he has now extended the story
to a more satisfying end point: about twenty years later. In the process, he tells us, he also had to shift from pure
memoir, with a few fictional pieces, to a more fictionalized autobiographical format. The whole story
now has more of the feel of an autobiographical novel.
Because this expanded
story has more geographical locations and institutions which could potentially help curious minds to guess Daniel’s
identity, we agreed that I would rewrite some of this expanded autobiographical novel, especially replacing the locations
in which Daniel lived, and substituting some in which I lived. I have also changed some of the ages and genders of some
of his siblings to correspond to the pattern in my own family. And some of his peer relationships have also been modified.
This should ensure that Daniel’s siblings and former colleagues will never be able to guess that they are reading the
life of someone they know or knew very well. And my own peers and relatives will know that none of this applies to them,
because the overall shape of the story is so different from what they know of their own lives.
“The impact of inadequate parenting,
in every society, is disproportionately borne by the roughly forty percent of the population who have parents with insecure
attachment styles of relating to their children. Those children are born into a barren landscape of loveless isolation
and aloneness. And in the part of their brain where the capacity to relate to others should be slowly built
up, there grows a huge, cavernous hole which robs those children of the capacity to love and play with others. It dooms
them to live half a life, at most!”
Maguire. Irish Magus…
The fundamental wiring up of the
human brain-mind occurs in the first three or four years of life, in private homes, away from the eyes of the world.
The ways in which that mental wiring responds to later social and cultural contexts can then seem quite inexplicable and mysterious.
The only really effective and comprehensive way we can learn about those formative years, and how they impact the feeling
states of later life, is if somebody has the courage to go back, dig it all up, and lay it out in the form of the story of
a life – or half a life. And that is what Daniel has so bravely and helpfully done.
I hope this book proves to be interesting and helpful for any individual who wonders about how their own childhood
experiences might have affected the shape of their adult personality and life circumstances; as well as professionals who
work with childhood trauma and psychological development. I also hope it serves as a model for others who want to follow
in Daniel’s brave footsteps in writing their own life story.
I hope it
teaches something about love; the trials and tribulations of learning how to love; and finding a compatible sex-love mate.
My final hope is that this book will help the world to understand the power of cognitive
emotive narrative therapy – the newest therapy which pioneers the digging up of childhood memories; acknowledging them
as our interpretive attempts to reconstruct what may or may not have happened to us in our journey towards autonomy and the
capacity to love; and then to let them go - like the returning of wild birds to the woods from which they were lovingly coaxed.
To let everything go back into the silent void from which we all, originally emerged.
To wrestle for a time with the war of words which is human culture, and then to let it go, totally!
To step into the eternal present like a flaming torch! Cleansed by fire; and love.
Dr Jim Byrne, Hebden Bridge, April 2015
By Daniel O’Beeve
Copyright (c) 2015, The Institute for CENT and Dr Jim Byrne
we do not teach our children about love and why it’s so much healthier than hatred, what will become of them?
If we do not teach them about their journey towards healthy sex-love relationships, in maturity, who will teach them?
And if we do not know enough about love and sex, and relationships, and how to manage our hatred and rage, what hope is there
for any of us?”
Micky J. Moran, A
Very Peculiar Tragedy…
There are two ways for me to answer the question: What is this book about?
Firstly, let me present the quick answer. This story is many things: A fictionalized
autobiographical novel; a psychological case study; a mystery story; a thriller; an extensive piece of writing-therapy; and,
perhaps for you, dramatic reading-therapy.
As I sit here at my desk, writing,
I have become aware of a piece of information that I’ve cleverly hidden from myself for a long time: I am much closer
to my death than I am to my birth. I am getting undeniably closer to the EXIT!
And as I approach the exit from this life, I feel a powerful urge to ensure that I leave something behind.
Something of value to you – to help you with the remainder of your own journey.
The most potent gift I can offer, as I prepare (slowly) to depart, is to reflect upon my own journey through life
– or, rather, through the first half of my life – so I can draw some lessons; and to present those lessons to
you for your consideration.
I hope in this way to help you to revise your emotional
map of your world, and to rethink your potential journey onwards, towards your own exit – so you can quickly recover
from your own disappointments, losses, tragedies and other difficulties, and to have a happier life.
Secondly, here is a more detailed answer. To understand what
this story is about, you need to know a little more about me; so here goes:
must be more than thirty years since I sat in a dusty bedsit in Alton Cross, soon after arriving in this strange part of the
I was sitting in a big, embracing armchair, and holding a new copy
of a novel by Graham Green. I was really into Green’s novels at that time. I think the book title was The
End of The Affair. In a preface to the book, Green had written that this was not the book he had intended to write;
and that the main character, Scobie, was not at all like the Scobie he had intended to create.
Stories and characters may have lives of their own. I say that because this is not the book I intended to write;
and the characters have transmogrified and grown beyond my plans for them.
subtitle refers to ‘mysterious roots’, and I thought I knew what I meant when I originally wrote those words.
However, the mystery slowly crept up on me, and grasped me by the unsuspecting heart. Truth is stranger than fiction;
and this journey is as strange and startling and mysterious as any of the dramatic mystery stories of Dorothy L. Sayers; Raymond
Chandler; Agatha Christie; Arthur Conan Doyle; P.D. James; John Grisham; Patricia Cornwell; Donald Westlake or Donna Tartt.
I would say that this is a semi-autobiographical novel because more than sixty percent of
the material is straightforward auto-biographical memoir. But about twenty percent is based upon extrapolation from,
or interpolation within, the known facts. The remainder, perhaps fifteen percent, is pure fiction, spun and woven by
me to fill the gaps between my well-established jigsaw pieces. But spun and woven with integrity and a commitment to
stick to a kind of veracity that transcends the weaving process.
Most people seem to me to be in denial about the fact that ‘childhood is a nightmare’.
One of the reasons it’s a nightmare is that there is so much routine cruelty in the history of our tribes, families
and broader cultures. And lots of psychological damage, caused by cruel treatment in childhood, is passed down the generations.
It’s a sickness locked into our largely unwritten cultural narratives.
often sexual abuse is mixed in with physical and psychological abuse – or there is a neurotic denial of a history of
sexual, physical and psychological abuse.
Most people that I’ve encountered
think that ‘sex is sorted’; ‘sex is no problem’; we live in an era of ‘sexual liberation’.
But many of the traditions that make up the cultures and sub-cultures of the British Isles, and North America, and Western
Europe, were anti-sexual or asexual in nature. (And look at the sexual scandals in India today; and the trafficking
of sex-slaves into our ‘civilized societies’ from the poorer parts of the world). And also today, we are
finding that, at the highest levels in society, sexual abuse of children and minors has been perpetrated under our very noses;
and covered up; and denied, by politicians, police officers, social workers and others in positions of authority. How can
we hope to step outside of that history of sexual repression, sexual abuse, and the failure to link sex and love, if we do
not examine where we have been?
How can we create a safe world in which to raise
our children if we are asleep to these problems?
In this book, I do not propose
to offer an analysis of human sexuality. I will only show, as one of the several strands of my own distorted development,
that sex can be very confused and confusing; and sexuality can be stunted, but also reclaimed. However, it can only
be reclaimed if it is integrated with the quest to love and to be loved; to forgive and to trust.
I will also shine a light upon the problem of emotional and physical abuse of children; and the problems of psychological
development in the case of cultural and intellectual deprivation. And, since Nelson Mandela claimed that "There
can be no keener examination of a society's soul than the way it chooses to treat its children”, this will tell us a
lot about the soul of the culture from which I came, as well as related cultures.
There are books that inform and books that dismay; and books that do nothing
at all. This book is intended to heal. To heal me, and perhaps you, and perhaps a subset of the people who eventually
read it. Or even a sizeable seam of our sickly world. (Of course, our world is ‘officially’ not sick.
It is officially ‘technologically advanced’. Advanced its machines may be – but our world is psychologically
and spiritually bankrupt, in the main!)
I want you to know how this book came into existence. I have spent hundreds of hours digging up my
past, my childhood, my family history; shaping it into digestible stories; processing those stories; and moving on. In addition,
I have also spent hundreds of hours studying psychological models of the person, the mind, the family, and human relations.
Furthermore, I have woven my personal stories and those theories and models of human development into a tapestry of rich understanding.
In the process I have produced this memoir/ autobiographical-novel/ thriller/ case-study of the mysterious roots of half
As indicated in my brief answer above, for me this has been a journey
of writing therapy. My hope is that, for you, the reading of this book could be a journey of reading therapy;
and/or personal and professional development, as you begin to re-digest and reinterpret the story of your own journey through
your own life’s challenges.
I have, perhaps, made a mistake in calling this section a ‘preface’, because we live in strange times.
We live in times in which it is highly likely that many people, who see the label ‘preface’ on this section, will
want to hurry on to Chapter 1. They want to get to the meat, the marrow, the ‘bottom line’ as quickly as
We or bombarded by an ideology that induces ‘hurry
sickness’ in most human minds. A famous business consultant, who should have known better, even suggested that
the first principle of time management should be: “Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” He, not
surprisingly, was recently hospitalized for a serious degenerative disease!
Most of the advocates of the ‘hurry up’ commandment will soon reach the last day of their lives, and
sadly realize that they have accelerated that terminal moment into existence. Why – they will wonder then - could
they not have spent more time leaning on a gate or fence, staring into the far distant horizon, at the green beauty of nature
I would like
to think that this book is fundamentally about love; or sometimes its lack; or the journey from lovelessness to true love.
Of course, by love I mean that meeting of the minds and hearts of two or more human beings who have already achieved a state
of self-love, which alone can give them the capacity to create love with others. In this sense, as described by Ursula
Le Guin, love is not like a stone, but rather like bread. It has to be made, over and over again, from a recipe you
have to know intimately, in your heart.
But in the beginning of my life, there
was no bread of love; no joy in life; no cherishing of others. Nobody in my life knew how to bake; and so I could not
learn to be a baker of love. There was only the commandment to obey. Obey or die!
Love had been crushed out of my parents, and their parents, by the cruel lessons of a barbaric history; and by their
religious training. As Osho (an imperfect theorist, who distinguished love from biology) writes:
“The religions and the so-called saints who have escaped from the world, cowards who cannot face and encounter
life, have poisoned the whole idea of love as the only spirituality. They have condemned sex, and with their condemnation
of sex they have also condemned love, because people think sex and love are synonymous. They are not. Sex is a
very small part of your biological energy. Love is your whole being, love is your soul. You have to learn that sex is simply a need of the society, of the race, to continue itself – you can participate
if you want. But you cannot avoid love. The moment you avoid love all your creativity dies and all your senses
become insensitive; great dust gathers around you. You become the living dead”. (Page 27).
Of course, in defence of the religions, it could be said that they mainly
condemned sex, and over-regulated it, because it so often proves to be a destructive force in the world. (Though
it could then be counter-argued that it was actually condemned and regulated to suit the interests of the Patriarchs who dominated
[dominate?] the world).
But Osho seems to be right about the importance of love,
and the withering disease to which we fall prey the moment love slips out of our lives, or fails to find fertile soil in our
And that was how I was for most of my screwed up life. Loveless.
Living Dead! A craven conformist; an obedience machine. A dried out husk that had no conception of what the word
‘love’ could possibly mean.
In this book, I undertake a journey that is designed to bring me back to life; to find the source of love within
myself; and to heal the wounds of my difficult childhood.
In the process I hope
I can help you to heal and/or grow.
I hope I can find the mysterious roots of
the first half of my distorted life, and to make emotional sense of them.
I hope you enjoy the journey.
Berlin – April 2015
 This is the only statement in that quote by Osho’s with which I have to disagree: that
‘love is your whole soul’. If love is your whole soul, then how do you account for the existence of hatred?
Hatred is the core of the dark side of your soul; while love is the core of the light
side, the good side, of your soul. This is the theory of the Good and Bad Wolf, which has been re-discovered and promoted
by Dr Jim Byrne’s cognitive emotive narrative therapy.
 Osho: Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The koan of relationships. St Martin’s
Griffin, New York, 2001.
Chapter 1 - by Daniel O'Beeve...
2015, The Institute for CENT and Dr Jim Byrne
children of Ballavita suffer most in the early morning dew; for that is when they hungrily long for the cool evening breeze.
The only time they suffer more is late in the evening, when they long for the early morning dew. The hornets that sting
them, of course, add to the pain".
The Roots of all Suffering…
1. Recalling and crafting a story…
Teenage memories are easy. I have no difficulty remembering that I escaped from
the most oppressive school imaginable at the age of fourteen years; that it was less than two weeks before I began my apprenticeship
in metal jewellery manufacturing; and two weeks later I joined an amazing judo club in the city centre.
The memories of the trainers who came from Japan to teach us are still as clear as an old movie. Slow-moving,
graceful men, with sallow skin, and jet-black hair. Lithe men who acted like peaceful but lethal panthers, smiled like reclusive
monks, and taught us their strange culture. Not just judo and karate; but also aikido (fighting with hands and wrists);
kendo (fighting with sticks and/or swords); meditation; tea ceremony; and their philosophy of life.
Their philosophy was simple:
“No fight”. Translated
by an assistant as: Do not be aggressive. Do not attack your opponent. Use his or her strength and aggression
“No anger”. Do not allow your emotions
to intrude into your judo play. This is a game of skill; of consciousness; of alertness.
“No pride”. Do not be pride-ful. Do not inflate you ego. Be modest. The world is
for everybody. All are equal. Do not assume more than your fair share of the space; the air; the action.
“No look for trouble”. Do not fight outside of your club, in your
daily life. Do not seek trouble or conflict. If confronted by an attacker in the street, choose to run away, as
fast as you can, if you can. If you cannot run away; or they pursue you and attack you; then, without any emotion, disable
them; render them powerless to harm you – swiftly and without ceremony. Then walk away, with no more agitation
than if you have just brushed some autumn leaves from your garden path.
On special occasions we all sat in silence – twenty or so young men
aged fourteen to forty - while they whisked hot, green tea for us, until it was frothy on top. Then we all sat, crossed
legged, with tiny little cups, sipping the tea in silence, and meditated on ‘Big Mind’. It was stranger
than being observed leaving my mother’s uterus by two blue aliens and a green one, who peered at me through a steerable
wormhole in the fabric of intergalactic space-time, and looked so sad about at the way I arrived!
Stories of infancy are much more difficult to recall; to reconstruct;
But it is
not just a problem of memory.
Many great stories remain untold, because the
potential author has no voice; no words for the things they have seen and felt. Some potential stories are stillborn
because the potential storyteller gives up on life and quits completely: dying into drugs, alcohol, gambling, ‘business
success’, sex addiction, or warmongering.
Some stories emerge later
in the day because a tired and weary wanderer accidentally stumbles across the secret vault in which the truth has been dumped,
and locked away, in the ordinary course of a timid, half-lived life. Such is the source of this story: my story.
We remember so little of our infancy.
Sometimes nothing. Sometimes little snatches of sound or feeling, or snippets of imagery.
I don’t know how often my mother sang songs when I was a babe in arms, but one such song did stick in my mind.
This is how it begins:
early, early in the spring
birds whistled and sweet did sing,
changing their notes
From tree to
The song they sang was Old
It was a sad song. I did not know what the
words meant – did not know what “Ireland” was; or what “Free” could be. I may have had
some vague idea what a bird was; and a tree; perhaps.
But it was a sound of
deep, mournful grief, the way she sang it. Even despair. It bored its way into my heart, like a sick worm, looking for
somewhere comfortable to die!
What else did I absorb from my mother’s culture? Perhaps everything!
So if you are to understand my personal story you need to know something of the culture from which my mother emerged
– for I almost certainly inherited whatever she had inherited.
legend of old Ireland…
Before I can tell you anything about me and
my little life, then, I need to give you a broader context. So, to begin, let me tell you a legend of old Ireland:
Long, long ago, about 64 generations back – in the season of the Crow – about
two full moons before the Festival of Aine (the Moon Goddess), Doneal McFlynn was walking on the hillside outside the village
of Crumble-Baan. Evening was closing in, and darkness was descending fast.
down on the village, he could just see the outline of the three concentric circles of round houses in which the entire population
lived their communal life.
Though the light was poor, he could still
make out the modest campfire of the two boys who were keeping the Night Watch on the opposite hillside. Suddenly, without
warning, a great flare of flame arose in his field of vision, right next to the boys’ campfire. In his entire
lifetime he had never seen this vision, though he had spent decades expecting to see it one day. The alarm signal.
Invaders have been spotted approaching us.
As quickly as he could,
he made his way down to the village, where the men and boys had congregated in the open space at the centre of the inner circle
of roundhouses. They had a huge assortment of wooden clubs, wooden shields, whips, big stones and slingshots, a few
axes, and bronze bars with which to beat their opponents. The boys had arrived sweating and shouting. They had
seen the signal from the next village, at the top of the valley. So the enemy must be coming from the sea, as they had
always expected they would.
Sorgas was the leader of the raiding party. He stood at the front of the bigger of the two wooden ships, in metal helmet
with nose shield; wearing woollen shirt and trousers, covered by a leather jerkin. He has ordered the crew on the oars
to head for the bay. They had left their home in the frozen north of Europa three weeks earlier, intent upon plundering
a few communities in Scotia and Britannia, but they had been rebuffed at ever attempt. They also failed two landings
on the Welsh coast, and now were bound for Hibernia.
Tor could not
imagine any kind of life other than plundering the wealth of others, especially the mineral wealth of the Britons. But
the livestock and crops of Hibernia would have to do this time.
They had run
out of dried fish earlier today, and so they had to succeed with this landing. To ensure that there was no turning back,
they burned their boats on the beach where they landed, and began the trek inland to find some undefended community to plunder.
Doneal McFlynn, as the village elder,
took charge of the massed men and boys, and told them that the gods were on their side. Nobody had the right to invade
their community and disrupt the peace. Right is mighty, he told them, and then commanded them to follow him into battle.
It was not known in advance how long it would take to locate the enemy, but
in the event it involved a two hour march eastwards.
The warriors of Crumble-Baan
met the invading army on the fields of Larkow, halfway between the village and the coast. The men and boys of Crumble-Baan
did their war dance, screaming and roaring their anger at the invaders. This was the tradition of Lenster-Beag, to demonstrate
superior moral right by every means available to larynx and arms and body movements.
Tor Sorgas had trained his warriors to ignore the behaviour of the enemy, and to look within for the superior claim
of the people of Scantavia to the wealth of the world. The god of war was on their side, and they would prove to be
The men and boys of Crumble-Baan ran down the hillside towards
the invaders, stamping their feet, shouting curses, screaming for them to withdraw and go away. They were convinced
that, at any moment, the invaders would understand that the people of Crumble-Baan had the superior moral stand, and then
they would simply run away.
However, the warriors of Tor Sorgas did not flinch
until the Hibernians were in close, and then they ripped them apart with their swords, knives, spiked flails and spears.
Only two of the younger boys lived to run away, and report back to the village.
The women of Crumble-Baan were heartbroken
at the news of the death of their husbands, fathers, sons and brothers. They were beside themselves with grief.
All through the night they cried, beating their chests with their fists;
and wailing to Aine for relief from their pain. And then, about two hours before dawn, Banba Ni Flynn, the physically
strongest of the women, appointed some young girls to take the children and babies into the woods to hide. She then
took the group of forty women and older girls out into the fields where they undressed and covered themselves with mud, from
forehead to ankles. Throughout this process they chanted a mesmerizing prayer to Aine.
They then slaughtered a goat and smeared its blood and guts over their hair and chests. This was accompanied
with screams of ‘vengeance’.
Then they each broke two tree branches
for themselves; one to serve as a club, and the other to strap to their left forearms, with reeds, as a shielding beam, to
protect themselves from direct blows by their enemy’s weapons.
they knelt on the cold, damp ground, and prayed to Aine, the Moon Goddess, to help them settle the score with their enemies.
And finally, they set off at a brisk pace on the long walk to the battleground, which
they expected would take at least two hours.
Tor Sorgas celebrated his victory in his brief battle with the Hibernians by roasting several of the bigger, more
muscular, fallen men over open fires, and eating them. Then he and his warriors sang lots of victory songs, and slept
well in a large mound of tree branches which they cut down and assembled for protection and warmth.
At dawn, Sorgas awoke and noticed how quiet it was. It was a kind of sub-zero quietness
which roared in his ears, like the distant sound of the sea in a seashell. Pushing the tree branches back, he stepped
out into the morning light.
Looking up at the hillside ahead of him, he saw
forty strange animals, like apes, standing perfectly still. Each one carried a big tree branch like a club.
It was a truly chilling sight, but Tor began to laugh, and called to his men to get up
and come look at this strange sight.
The other fifty-five Norsemen emerged
from their sleeping shelter and joined in the laughter.
Then the women of
Crumble-Baan began to slowly walk down the hillside. The laughter from the Norsemen continued, with some moments of
silence, some giggles; some attempts to intensify the laughter; some faltering; some increasing disquiet.
The women of Crumble-Baan walked slower and slower, now slightly crouching down, with a chilling intensity: clubs
at the ready. The Norsemen took up their positions. Tor gave the order to prepare their weapons.
As the strange creatures came closer, they began to keen; to express their grief at their
great loss, as they picked their way between the fallen bodies of their kinsmen on the open field.
Closer still and the Norsemen began to smell the great stench of stomach bile and the iron and flint of the goat’s
Then the women stopped, and Banba, in a strange tongue, told her sisters
that you cannot hope to win your battles by relying upon your moral message affecting your enemies. You had to be as
remorseless as they were. You had to harden your heart; to forget everything you had learned from the Moon Goddess.
Then Banba uttered a great shriek of ‘Revenge!’ and the women
and girls of Crumble-Baan set about the Norsemen and did not rest their clubs until there was no longer an intact skull to
Six women lay dead on the field, alongside fifty-six Norsemen.
The women and girls stayed on the
battle field for two days and two nights. At first they bathed themselves in the blood of the killers of their menfolk.
Then, with their bare hands and some sticks, they dug holes to bury their dead men and boys. They lay on the graves,
keening and crying.
At the end of this period, Banba called them together
and spoke to them:
“From this day forward, let there be no more charity”,
she ordered. “No more compassion; no more kindness; and no more forgiveness. Let you heart be like flint,
and your face like a locked door”.
Finally, they collected up the weapons
and shields of the fallen Norsemen, and then they walked slowly homewards to their man-less households.
Over time, the women of Crumble-Baan found new men to join their
community, from the surrounding district; but they retained control. They raised their children to be merciless fighters.
The people of Crumble-Baan became an indomitable people, because of their harshness, until – 9 generations later - the
Normans came and broke their spirits. In a matter of days they went from being a matriarchal communist community to the flogged
serfs of the Norman warlord, the self-styled nobleman, Ralf, The Earl of Swafford – a murderous psychopath with a king’s
He kidnapped one out of every ten men, women and children in the
village, and kept them in the woods above the river, guarded by his most murderous men; and threatened to gouge out the eyes,
and roast alive, one man, woman and child for every act of rebellion or insurrection that was undertaken by any member of
the village community.
Now, in total defeat, the people of Crumble-Baan were
harsh and broken. Bitter and unforgiving. And they passed that down to their offspring.
3. Subsequent history…
In 1798, inspired by the American and French revolutions, the people of Crumble-Baan, now renamed Crumble village,
joined the United Irishmen’s revolt, only to be crushed once more by the English army of occupation.
In 1845, half the population of Crumble
either died of famine, or left for America: many dying at sea.
In 1848, following the wave of revolutions across Europe, the Pope of Rome, who had been
the titular head of feudal Europe for centuries, identified this year as the crucial point in history to attempt to roll back
the march of Protestant capitalism, and to restore Catholic feudalism. His plan was to unite the Italian, Spanish and
Irish peoples against the English, Dutch and French. For this purpose, a large body of well-educated priests was sent
to Ireland, to take control of the mind of the Irish people and to fashion it into a weapon to use in the attack on England.
These priests were guilt-ridden about sex. Some of them were innocent, repressed
homosexuals, who were denied any kind of social life, because they did not wish to marry and reproduce.
Some were evil paedophiles who wanted to locate themselves in roles where they
could prey upon children.
No doubt there were many other kinds of socially-unaccepted
- and I really mean unaccepted, as opposed to unacceptable! - sexual deviants.
These priests, each with their own (guilt-driven) reason to deny human sexuality, spread
their (official, public) dread of sex among the people of Crumble, along with the crazy story of
Redemption by Christ’s Crucifixion!
And in denying the legitimacy of
sex between men and women, they inevitably denied the value or importance of love between
men and women. Men and women were to be kept far apart from each other.
The people of Crumble-Baan were my ancestors! Forged in the fires of insecurity, feudal
conflict, and intense grief; the violence of colonial warfare, oppression, lawless victimization, degradation, starvation,
and casual death. And finally, used in a cynical political war of the worlds, in which primitive fear of sex would be
one of the main building blocks! In the process, love was crushed out of them. ‘Love’ became the dirtiest
of dirty words! It was so dirty, it was never spoken.
Chapter 2 - by Daniel O'Beeve
"In most of the families we followed, for more than two decades, there was a constant
mystery related to these three central questions: Why did their heroes not come from their own social class, or their own
clan or region? How were they persuaded to worship such alien ghosts from amongst their oppressors and exploiters? And
why were they so insensitive to the emotional needs of their own children?"
Micky J. Moran, A Very Peculiar Tragedy…
1. More modern stories…
I want to tell you a story which begins in a small rural village in the Irish Free State
at the end of the Second World War, and stretches over land and sea for several decades. It cannot end until I have
completed a full 360 degree journey back to the point of my own birth, and forward through a number of failed relationships
to a completion which makes emotional sense of a life that was almost lost in a neurotic spiral of involuted distortions of
I want to tell
you this story, because I have been changed by the stories I’ve read over the years – and I believe the tradition
of writing and telling stories is one of the most profoundly therapeutic traditions we have. One of the reasons story-telling
is so helpfully therapeutic is the one given by Maya Angelou, where she writes that: “There is no greater agony than
bearing an untold story inside you”.
And no greater relief, I believe,
than getting your story out in the open, where you can understand how the elements fit together; you can feel the denied pain
from the past; and then you can let it go.
It is also profoundly therapeutic,
according to Fritz Perls, to have your stories of personal suffering witnessed by others who care about your struggles
and your suffering – if only because you, like them, are human and frail.
2. Regarding the storytellers…
Thank god for the storytellers, for they give us the plotlines of our lives. Without them, where would we live our
Even god owes a debt of gratitude to the yarn-spinners
for giving him (or her) such a large and powerful role in creating the often miserable, and sometimes joyous, life in which
In the beginning was the trackless void, and a storyteller said,
‘Let’s create a script’. And the actors came forth in droves. And the drama began.
The drama was dominated by the best
storytellers and the people they promoted, and between them they inherited the earth. And the voiceless people without
stories were left to rot in dark corners of deprivation that went unreported.
even worse: the voiceless people bowed down before the hollow effigies erected by the victors.
The great storytellers from the deprived classes sold their
souls to the highest bidder. And the meek inherited some bread-crusts and an undeserved, negative reputation.
And the sons and daughters of the
poor wandered the highways and byways of the world, in which there were few if any books. Perhaps, if they were lucky, they
would stumble over an occasional classic.
3. The impact of stories…
After reading Catch 22,
by Joseph Heller – over which I accidentally stumbled, in the 1970s - I was left with two images and a strong feeling.
The feeling was one of horror at the brutality and stupidity of war. The first image was of Snowden, laid out on the
floor of his plane, as Yossarian and others opened his flying suit to inspect his wounds - as they flew above Germany, taking
flak from the enemy below – and Snowden’s guts spilled out in front of them, and his young life drained away before
them. A graphic reminder of the horrors of war.
Whenever I think about
Snowden, tears fill my eyes, and I feel such pain in my chest. Such a sad waste of life.
The second image is of the surviving crew members being back at the air base, in Italy, from which the bombing raids
were flown, for the burial of Snowden; and Yossarian is up in a tree, naked, looking down at the burial. He is naked
to make sure that no stupid ‘brass’ tries to pin a medal of bravery, or any other kind of war medal, to his chest!
Well that’s how I remember it – even if that’s not how it was written.
I feel much the same sadness and pain about the crude business of childrearing as Heller
did about the horrors of war. It appals me how much suffering children go through, because childrearing, even today,
after centuries of cockups, is still a wholly amateur activity – an opportunity to practice any old cobbled together
‘black art’ on a new piece of human putty!
4. Planning my approach to writing my memoir…
I want to write about my life in a way that will leave you with (at least) two images and a feeling. I want
you to see the guts of the story, without fainting, or being so depressed that you fail to do anything with it.
I want you to be present at the burial of my story’s ending; so there is a sense
of completion: a destination where you can get off in one piece, and feel that the journey was not wasted; and you are more
whole than you were before – if a little emotionally bruised here and there.
I want to stand on the side-lines, naked, when the story is (hopefully) eventually widely read, in case some idiot
tries to pin a completely meaningless medal to my naked chest.
I have already
presented you with the ‘prequel’ to my life – the context contained in the battle of Crumble-Baan.
I then thought of ‘starting at the beginning’ - like the King advised the White Rabbit, in Alice in Wonderland
– but instead I followed the lead of Karen Joy Fowler, in her book about the loss of her ‘chimp sister’,
titled We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves. The approach of her main character, Rosemary, which she achieved
during her second year at the University of California, Davis, was this: “By then I’d figured out the way to talk
about my family. Nothing simpler really. Start in the middle”.
middle of my life, roughly, was the year in which I turned thirty-two years of age.
So let me begin with the trappings of my life at that time (back in the summer of 1978): My UN consultancy work;
and my work for the Royal Thai government, at Thammasat University; my apartment in Soi Pradiphat 14, round the back of Praddipat
Road, near Saphan Kwhai, Bangkok. And the screaming roar in my head that could only be quieted by tranquillizers and
This starting point helps a lot, because, by this stage, it looked
as if I not only did not have any family, but that I had never had one! That I had fallen from the skies fully formed.
A perfect ‘organizational man’, with a fabricated CV that any robot would be proud of.
In the process of ‘amputating’ my ‘unacceptable family’, I had somehow chained my heart to
a frozen vacuum of fabricated identity.
I was a self-constructed-self with
And the ‘international development role’, which I had
at that time, is a perfect illustration of how lost I was by then. I was trying to fix the world – but I didn’t
even know I was broken into tiny fragments.
What a fake, unreal ‘person’
I’d become. What a failed life I was leading – despite the visual illusion of my ‘professional success’.
5. A waking nightmare…
"The Brothers of Christ produced ten generations of boys
and men who could neither think nor feel. They were crippled leftovers from the failed feudal revolt against British
Micky J. Moran, A Very Peculiar
The beeping alarm dragged me out of a strange black and silver landscape of caves and hills, in which I was haunted
by memories of something I’d lost. I was frantically searching for something precious. But I could not begin
to find it until I knew what it was. And I could not remember what it had been.
Beep, beep, beep…..
I awoke; slammed the beeping alarm
off; and swung my legs out of bed. It hadn’t rained for weeks, and the temperature, in the run-up to ‘Christmas’
was above eighty-five degrees by lunchtime. It was already over seventy degrees today, and it was barely seven o’clock
in the morning. Yellow light streamed in through the windows of my three room apartment.
Although it was almost Christmas ‘back home’ (wherever that was: the UK? or Ireland?) there seemed to
be endless Chinese celebrations going on all over Bangkok. We were still in the year of the Horse; and the year of the
Goat would not begin until early February 1979. I’d consulted a traditional Chinese healer in Bangkok, and he’d
told me that the year of the Goat would be a major turning point in my life. He said my world would crack and fall asunder;
only to be rebuilt in a better form. And the symbol for the moment of change would be the arrival of the Goat.
I can’t wait!
At the moment it’s Chinese Thanksgiving, which is
the Thai’s winter solstice celebration, involving ancestor worship at its core, but lots of eating of spicy foods seemed
to be the main evidence that the celebrations were in full flow.
I looked down at the red hives on my legs and arms.
Fucking bedbugs. I crossed the bedroom and picked up the big black Bakelite phone, tapped the internal call
button repeatedly, and spoke to the apartment block manager, telling him the new mattress was no better than the previous
one – ‘I’m still covered in bedbug bites’ – and asked that he get a new mattress in by the end
Then I opened the fridge and looked in. Nothing appealed to
me, so I removed by tee-shirt and put on a pair of swimming trunks and flip-flops; crossed to the entrance hall; and out onto
the patio, where I was struck by the glaring sun and the roar of the traffic from Tunun Praddipat. I turned right and walked
down to the swimming pool.
There were already two Thai families – two
mothers and fathers and four children - and the fat American from apartment number four - in the shallow end of the pool,
chatting amiably. I walked to the deep end, where the blinding yellow sparkles of sunlight bounced off the rippled surface
of the pale blue chlorinated water. I climbed down the steps, and, clinging to the ladder rail, floated out on my back.
This was one way to cool down; one way to wake up; and one way to try to soothe my burning hives. I could not swim,
but I had learned how to float on my back.
My head was thumping, as usual,
and my neck and shoulders were cold and stiff.
It was a lot cooler this month
than it had been in June when I arrived in this exotic city, with plans to make a reputation and perhaps a small fortune at
the same time. I was trading on my creative ability to suggest timely economic and technological innovations for rural
development. The Royal Thai government was urgently investing in anything that would wean the poor peasant farmers of the
Northeast Region from the Lao and Cambodian communists who repeatedly infiltrated the militarized Land Settlement Projects.
(The paradox, of course, was that I probably hated the American Empire more than did the Cambodians or Vietnamese! Because
I knew the mercenary reasons the American state, on behalf of American corporations, had gone into Vietnam with tons
of bombs and burning napalm, and killed thousands of innocent civilians.)
humidity had dropped to about 60% which, for the Thais is very comfortable; but when it’s combined with such high temperatures,
it does not suit the pale, European skin, and is outside of our comfort zone. My pale and sensitive skin was particularly
uncomfortable in such hot and sweaty conditions.
7. The cultural context…
As I lie in the pool, trying to clear my head, and cool my hives, I can smell the riot
of odours of Thai cooking from the countless cooking stalls in the streets that surround Blue Lotus Apartments – the
gated community where I’ve lived for the past two months. Overall the aroma of Thai food is pleasant and rich,
though at its core is that rotten, fermented fishy smell of Pla ra. I could also pick out the diluted stink of Pad sa
Tor (which I had often tried as a hangover remedy); though it was pretty heavily covered by the whole gamut of sweet and spicy
herbs that Thais love so much. But at least those food odours tended to mask the clouds of car exhaust fumes that drifted
in from Praddipat Road, as the early morning traffic roar, which would last all day, began to howl in earnest.
Out of the pool, I walked to the shower at the end, washed the chlorine off with some
local soap; walked back to the apartment, bowing to the Thais in the pool, and to the spirit house in the small plot in front
of my door. Back inside, I got dressed. Today was the big day for feedback on my presentation to the Director
of the Department of Public Works, on my Northeast Village Technology and Rural Economy proposal. For this purpose,
I donned my bitter chocolate, linen safari suit with the pale beige stripe: short sleeved, open-necked, waisted, and with
flared trousers. I had had my long hair cut back to collar length, and my beard trimmed. I wanted to wear sandals,
to keep my temperature down, but that was not acceptable attire for a government office; so I had to wear a pair of Barrett’s
two-tone shoes, dark tan and beige, that matched the suit.
8. A breakfast
of two parts…
Out on the street there were three tuk-tuks (or sam lor
- motorized rickshaws – the big brothers of the Indian baby-taxi) waiting for customers to come along. I caught
the eye of one driver who’d driven me before, and beckoned him over. He turned his sam lor and drove over. Meanwhile,
the aroma of the nearest food stall was stimulating my appetite, so I asked my driver to wait while I had a bowl of Kuai-tiao
nam soup with noodles and pork-balls, from one of my favourite street-sellers. It took me three minutes to eat it, and then
the sam lor drove me up to the Dorchester Hotel, near Saphan Kwai, where I ordered breakfast.
I had lived in the Dorchester for about two months, until I ran out of money. Although I was an accredited
consultant with the UN, I was on a payment by results contract; which meant that, until I brought in some project funding,
I could not claim my consultancy fees. It was very expensive living in Bangkok, and also funding my own field trips
and consultancy reports. Before then I lived in a low-rent apartment that was subsidized by Christian Aid, for use by
missionaries and Christian Aid field workers. I was evicted when some neighbours complained of the sounds coming from
my room every time Juliet came to visit, during my first few weeks in Bangkok. It was unfortunate that the floor was
a kind of hard, glossy resinous concrete, which squealed and screeched when the iron-frame bed was forced down hard on its
bare metal legs. I suppose it took the other residents a few weeks to figure out what was going on, and they then decided
that making love in the afternoon was sinful.
Now I was back in the basement
restaurant of the Dorchester, in search of the second part of my breakfast, and also to meet Juliet to plan and prepare for
our visit to the Department of Public Works. The purpose of this visit, as I said, was to get feedback on our presentation,
made last month, to the Director, the Minister, and the senior funding teams from the US Agency for International Development
(USAID), the United Nations Development Program (UNDP), and the Dutch government development agency (DDC).
It was always dark in the Yim Huai Heng restaurant, because it was below ground
level and therefore had no windows. The lighting was old French wall lamps; the décor was dark; and the carpet
was so dark it was hard to discern the maroon background that would be visible in broad daylight.
I sat at my usual table near the door and looked at the menu. It contained no concessions to the English language,
apart from the Romanization of the Thai words. I had learned to stick to the Khao phat, for breakfast and lunch:
which in most good restaurants contained fried rice topped with nam pla phrik (which is chillies in fish sauce).
The other ingredients tended to vary, but often included lime or lemon, cucumber or coconut, and, more often than not, spring
onions. (Nobody in Bangkok ate or supplied bacon and eggs; or toast and marmalade. And it was almost impossible
to get good quality coffee, since iced tea (‘cha yen’) was the drink of choice in that city. Such cultural
My Khao phat arrived, with a strong smell of lemon grass and
ginger; along with a big jug of freshly brewed, strong iced tea – like masala tea with coconut milk, crushed ice and
tons of sugar. I got stuck into the rice, with a fork in my right hand, while pouring the iced tea with my left.
The tea, when well made, in reputable establishments, was almost as strong as coffee, and I slurped a couple of mouthfuls
back, in an effort to wake myself up fully. But the cognitive boost was less than half that of a good American coffee.
9. Juliet arrives…
yen was not all for me, as Juliet was due to arrive soon. She normally had black coffee in the morning, at home,
(and on Mondays, Wednesdays and some Fridays, I joined her there for coffee and toast). But today she was due to meet me at
8.15, so we could prepare for our meeting at 9.00am at the Department of Public Works. The iced tea was a poor compensation
for the lack of her preferred home-percolated American coffee.
I heard her
three-inch stilettos hit the marble floor in the entrance hall above, and checked my watch. Bang on time.
I heard her march steadily down the stairs: click, clack, click. I was filled with
sadness and gladness, in a mixture acidic enough to burn right through my heart.
was dressed in a tight, black, Thai silk suit of jacket and pencil line skirt, with a long slit up the right thigh.
Her long blond hair was tied back in a big gold hair slide; and she was wearing her big, red-framed specs. She was dressed
to kill for a crucial business meeting.
She looked around the restaurant,
saw no expats were present, apart from me, and kissed me on the lips. She whispered “Sugar lips!” as she pulled
away. Sitting down, she pushed her cup towards me for some cha yen, while pulling some documents from her briefcase.
Placing the papers on the table in front of her, she stared at me, examining my eyes.
“Morning, honey?” she said, interrogatively, looking at me questioningly. She could see that I was still
low; hung over; depressed and deflated.
Fishing in her bag she found
the little silver box of speed pills (ephedrine and caffeine), and pulled two out for me. I washed them down with a
mouthful of the tea. Hopefully, within a few minutes, they would neutralize the tranquillizers that I took last night,
and the Thai grass that I smoked at bedtime.
“What’s the running
order?” I asked her.
She looked at the documents from the DPW.
“Kun Wicheet will speak for the Department. The USAID representative will respond. We will be asked to accept
or reject the offer”.
“Is that all?” I asked.
detail on what the offer is likely to be?”
We had made a pitch for half a million US dollars over a two year period, to set up a
pilot project in Ubon Ratchatani. That would then be reviewed, and a decision made about the future years.
“What do you expect?” I asked her then.
“This is a standard format”, she said. “It could mean a funding offer; or it could be an
offer to review additional proposals; or to submit additional argumentation or supporting evidence, etc. Impossible
to say if they’ve found any funds for us, at this stage”.
10. Getting down to work…
the air-conditioned taxi on the way to the DPW directorate, I was able to cool down. The soreness of my hives was receding
slowly. The restaurant had been too warm, and the street outside, as we came out, was so warm and humid, that my armpits were
wet by the time we were locked inside the icy-cool interior of the cab. Of course, some of my sweating could have been
due to the tension I felt about another rejection of our project proposal, and another few weeks of brainstorming, researching,
writing and making presentations.
We were both quite tense as we marched into
the director’s office.
Kun Wicheet, the director, a pleasantly fat Chinese-looking Thai, was seated regally behind his eight-foot desk.
In front of him, seated on a semi-circle of comfortable chairs, were Len Hogan, the USAID representative for the Northeast;
Sjoerd Leenstra, from UNDP; and Bernhard Hendriks, from the Dutch DDC.
director stood up and shook our hands, and indicated our seats.
He then made
a statement about the excellence of our economic and technological development proposal. Len Hogan explained how they
had evaluated our proposal in the field, back in their office, and also in Washington, and that they were pleased to recommend
to Congress the disbursement of 500,000 US dollars per year for the next three years to make this project a success.
Leenstra was also full of praise, and said they would pick up the cost of local support services; and Hendriks said the Dutch
government would be pleased to pay all salaries involved.
This was six times
what we’d asked for, and then some!
Juliet thanked them for their feedback,
and steered the conversation in the direction of when and where the funds would be disbursed. The short answer was that
a decision on start dates would be made in Washington, and it was likely to be early in the New Year; possibly late January
or early February.
The room was aglow with a celebratory mood. Everybody
expected this to be a great breakthrough for the people of the Northeast; and to help keep the commies at bay!
We all shook hands and dispersed.
Juliet and I walked briskly back down the stairs to the sound of her clicking
heels, and the squeak of my soft soles; out into the hot street; and into the first air-conditioned cab we could find.
Once inside, she screamed with pleasure at our victory. I laughed and cheered.
After six months of hard work, we had been vindicated; we had succeeded; we had made it.
We asked the driver to take us to the Dorchester Hotel. It would be safer to use the hot-sheet floor –
the third floor was exclusively bookable by the hour – instead of risking being seen entering Blue Lotus Apartments
(or Red Rose Court, where Juliet lived with her husband, Bart) for a celebratory roll in the hay.
Juliet, who was sitting on my left, took my left hand, clamped my index and middle fingers together, stuck them in
her mouth and moistened them; then pushed my hand up her skirt, which had a deep, accommodating side split, inside her panties,
and into her warm, wet vagina.
This was a strange, new bonobo-like celebration
ritual that was unknown to me. Ten years earlier, I would have been deliriously happy to be so wanted by a woman: so
passionately desired. Two years ago I was ecstatic about being wanted by this woman. But that was then and this
In that moment of double victory, I realized my total defeat.
was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he sees what God is doing."
Kurt Vonnegut – Cat’s Cradle
Rewind six or eight weeks. Juliet and I run along the platform with light luggage, and board the overnight
train from Bangkok’s Hua Lamphong Railway Station to Ubon Ratchatani, near the borders with both Laos and Cambodia;
leaving at 8.00pm and arriving at 10.00am the next day.
We had a sleeping
compartment, which meant we could have our evening meal in our private room, and get to bed by 9.00pm.
By 10.00pm we had made love, and I had left the lower berth, and moved to my place on the top berth. I could
hear her crying softly below. She wanted me to stay in her berth with her. I could not do that, which might seem
strange given how strongly I was drawn to her, physically and emotionally. To understand my behaviour, you need to know
weeks earlier, when I was still living in the Dorchester; I awoke early on Monday morning, after a boring weekend. Juliet
spent her weekends with Bart, her husband, in Red Rose Court. He left for work around 7.00am on Monday mornings.
I usually worked at their home, with Juliet, on Mondays and Wednesdays, (and occasionally on Fridays), arriving around 8.00am,
where Juliet and I had coffee and toast, and then reviewed our action plans and worked on our project designs, project proposals,
and so on. We normally managed to avoid too much sexual distraction from this work – but by no means always.
Anyway, on this particular Monday, I went down to the restaurant, had a bowl of Khao
phat; and then took a sam lor to Red Rose Court. I punched the pass code into the keypad at the gate; waved
to Kun Ying Yufarit, the glamorous and elegantly dressed Thai manager, who was in the estate manager’s office, inside
the gate; walked along the path that led past the first grey, reinforced concrete block, and up the stairs in the centre of
the second block, to the first apartment on the first floor.
blue crested lizard was on the wall by the top of the apartment’s red door. As I approached the door, it expanded
its throat and made an agitated chirping sound, in what seemed to me to be a threatening way, but I screwed up my courage
and leaned in to rap my knuckles on the door. I then got a bigger shock. Bart opened the door, with a very serious look on
his face. I thought – Oh, no! This is it!
me inside, and told me he’d taken Juliet to hospital on Sunday, after he found her rolled up in a ball on the kitchen
floor. He was very concerned about her, and she was kept in for tests.
was very worried about Juliet.
While he was making coffee, and going into
too much detail about the procedures they were running at the expat clinic, to try to find out what was wrong with Juliet,
I was thinking of the strange coincidence. Two or three weeks ago, Juliet told me Bart had been whisked into the expat
clinic for tests for unexplained abdominal pain.
And about two weeks before
that, when Juliet and I had been working on a new report, I had asked her if she had any painkillers for a bad headache.
She said, “Yes, upstairs, in my beside table”,
So I ran up, opened
her top drawer, but could not see any pill boxes, because a large, pale blue letter was spread across the top of the drawer
contents. I picked it up to look for the painkillers, and noticed it was Bart’s handwriting. But that was
very strange, because the salutation line said, “Dear Juliet”.
would Bart write to his wife, with whom he shared a bed?
That was the mystery
that caused me to breach their right to privacy by reading the letter. The bottom line was this: Bart was very unhappy
because Juliet was only supposed to ‘mess around’ with other men, as he ‘messed around’ with other
women; but Juliet had broken the rules by ‘falling in love with Daniel!’
What a mess.
was now involved in a marriage in meltdown, because Juliet had fallen in love with me. Bart must want to kill me!
Hence his stomach aches. He must be arguing with Juliet, or wanting to row with her, all of the time, hence the resort
to writing to each other – total breakdown of spoken communication – and hence her intense stomach aches.
And who is the cause of all this? Me!
"That is my principal objection to life, I
think: It's too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes."
Kurt Vonnegut Jr – Deadeye Dick
are moving as he hands me the big cup of strong coffee. He looks very depressed. As he speaks, I speak over him:
“I’ll leave!” I said. I just blurted it out. I didn’t
know I was going to say that.
“I’ll go back to England”,
I said, “and leave you and Juliet in peace”.
Bart smiled, and
looked at me with genuine bemusement; and perhaps affection.
do that?” he asked, with a big look of relief on his bearded face.
solidarity”, I said, thinking back to when my wife, Ramira, had an affair, just three to four years ago. If only
her lover had had a sense of male solidarity, he would have gone away and left us to sort our marital problems out for ourselves.
(That was what I thought then, but in time I would come to realize that Ramira’s affair was a symptom of something
deeply wrong with our marriage, and not to do with the availability of other men).
But I was totally surprising myself with this male solidarity with Bart. I did not know I would say anything
Bart immediately offered me his hand, and we shook on it.
It was now a deal!
In some ways, Juliet was the best thing that had ever happened
to me, though it was of course stressful for me, being involved in somebody else’s marriage. And I was so much
her captive, emotionally and practically. Once I arrived in Bangkok, a few days after Juliet and Bart had arrived, all
of us transferring from Bangladesh, she had taken my passport “for safe keeping”, and locked it in their safe;
and it was clear she would never give it back if she thought she would lose me in the process.
But now I had a plan. I thought we had a reasonable chance of getting funding for a project beginning in the
New Year; and I felt sure I could persuade her to give me my passport, so I could go back to England for Christmas, thus saving
a lot of local expenditure of non-existent funds!
“I’ll go home
for Christmas”, I told him then, “but I won’t come back in the New Year!”
“But don’t tell Juliet that!” he said.
right”, I said. “It’s our secret”.
solidarity”, he said, offering me his handshake once more.
Once we got confirmation of our three year funding, subject to approval by Washington,
there were only a few days left to Christmas. I told Juliet I would like to go home for a couple of weeks, until the
funding had been disbursed, to save money; and that I would return with our third team member, Jasper, as soon as the funding
was released; and then we could get down to work.
She did not suspect a thing,
and so she did not resist the need to hand over my passport. I went to Red Rose Court at about eight o’clock on
the morning of Christmas Eve, and Juliet and Bart offered me some red wine, and we smoked a couple of joints of Thai grass.
And Juliet passed me a couple of tranquilizers.
Juliet was upset at my leaving,
even for just a couple of weeks, and it showed. Bart was clearly upset that she was so upset about losing me for a while;
though he must have also been reassured that at least he was getting rid of me as a love rival for all time!
Bart drove all three of us to the airport for my ten o’clock flight.
Saying goodbye was very stressful, as Juliet and I tearfully embraced and kissed each other
under the semi-watchful eye of her husband.
Somehow I checked in, semi-blinded
by tears that stung and hurt my eyes. I sat in my aeroplane seat, half drunk, high as a kite, relieved to have escaped,
and undone by the feelings of grief at the loss of Juliet.
My mind was frozen;
my heart was like a big lump of painful rock in my chest; my hands trembled; tears ran involuntarily from my eyes, though
I resisted them with all my might. I felt like screaming.
I was going
‘home’? Or leaving ‘home’? Or moving in confusing circles?
I was finally, totally lost!
The big, cool, silent plane travelled
via Bangladesh, Doha and Frankfurt, for about fourteen hours. However, because of the time gap between Bangkok and London,
I flew into Heathrow at three o’clock on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, 1978.
The sun was shining like a June day. The fields were green and welcoming in a way that rice fields could never
I took a taxi from Heathrow to Jasper’s parents’ home
in Oxford; where I went to bed for three days. I got up for the main meals, at lunchtime and evening; but mostly I slept.
I was sleeping off the withdrawal from the speed, tranquillizers, booze, hash, opium and grass; and the heartache at losing
Juliet, as well as the relief at getting rid of Bart from my list of nightmares.
I slept and snoozed; sat around eating or watching television; and so the
Christmas and New Year celebrations passed me by.
On 2nd January
1979, just after lunchtime, I took the double headed ragdoll from my suitcase and headed into the centre of Oxford.
I was going to see my ex-wife, to say ‘season’s greetings’ and to give her the doll for the twins that she
conceived towards the end of our married life together. We still did not know who the father of the twins might be,
since she was having sexual relations with me and Kevin Thompson when she became pregnant.
I rang the doorbell of the duplex flat we had lived in on Eastern Avenue, and Ramira opened the door. She coolly
invited me in. It was nice to see her, in a perverse kind of way; though I had very mixed feelings towards her. We went
up the stairs and into the living room, and there was Kevin, parked on the sofa that I had bought; and his big fat belly was
pointing at the ceiling, and he still had that characteristic, silly, manipulative grin on his too-open face.
We exchanged greetings; I told them what I’d been up to in Bangladesh and Thailand,
in terms of the nature of my work, the climate, etc. Nothing too personal.
then handed over the doll. It was meant for the twins. It was a doll made up of two bodies – two torsos
with heads and arms - with no legs, and they were stitched together at the waist. They had a shared skirt. When
one head was exposed to view, the other was concealed under the skirt, and vice versa. One face was black and the other
white. If it was symbolic of something about our dreadfully confused situation, I could not think what that might be.
We ran out of things to say to each other, and we went downstairs to the exit.
As I was leaving, I glanced in through the downstairs window and saw the twins climbing out of their cots, after their afternoon
naps. I was captivated by their little faces. These could have been my kids. Cute little three-year-olds.
“I think you’d better go!” said Kevin, in a gruff voice, suggesting
a slight hint of threat. No ‘male solidarity’ here.
I walked down the Botley Road to the café where I used to go to kill
time, when Ramira and I first split up. I ordered a coffee and some toast, and went to the juke box on the wall.
I selected the same song I used to choose all that time ago; just over three years now:
“I’m not in love”, sang 10 CC, “So don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase
I’m going through”.
I sat down and tackled the coffee and toast.
I felt as raw as any piece of meat ever could. My heart was aching and my guts were knotted. My eyes were moist
and hurting. But was it for the twins? For a life that could have been? For the faithless Ramira, to whom
I had been married for six years? For my loss of Juliet, who had been my lover for two years? Or was there somebody
else hidden behind all these possibilities? Somebody who had been there from the very beginning? Somebody who had
marked me for life!
The juke box fell silent, and I finished eating my toast.
Echoes from the past invaded my mind:
“How I wish
How I wish you were here”.
These words came from a Pink
Floyd album that I was into around the time that Ramira and I split.
how I wish you were here, I told myself. If only I knew who you were. And if only I knew how to connect!
I swigged off my coffee and stepped out into the grey afternoon rain. As I turned left
to walk up Botley road, I looked up at the rainy sky and saw three aliens staring at me. (I swear to god!) About thirty
feet ahead of me, at an angle of about forty-five degrees, there was a strange circle of fluffy cloud; and in the middle a
kind of porthole. And through that porthole I could see three bizarre aliens, sitting at a desk, staring at me.
(They seemed slightly familiar, like figures from some vague dreams or nightmares that I have suppressed!)
The one in the middle was tiny, about the size of a human child of ten or eleven years of
age, with a blue furry face, with a third eye in his forehead, and long white hair like a judge’s wig. To his right
was a larger being, about the same size as an adult human. S/he (?) had a green head like a cross between a lizard and
a sheep. And on the left of the blue midget was a giant, about one and a half times the size of a big human male, with a blue
head which reminded me of a mixture of fox and dolphin, with slimy blue skin. I could only see their shoulders and heads.
They seemed to be looking into our world through a hole surrounded by a wispy circle of fluffy cloud. They were peering
directly at me through this strange hole in the sky.
exclaimed the little blue furry one, pointing straight ahead. “He can see us! Switch the viewer! Switch the viewer!”
The green lady leaned forward and I heard a loud click. They all disappeared.
I looked all around me. Everything seems normal now. But I know they’re still
I have not smoked
any Thai grass since Christmas Eve. I have not had any speed or tranquillizers since then either. And I only had
one glass of white wine, to wash down the dry turkey, on Christmas day; more than a week ago. So why am I seeing things
Perhaps this is just withdrawal symptoms? Or a psychotic break?
Chapter 3 begins like this:
Chapter 3 - by Daniel O'Beeve...
“Life is difficult for all human beings – but it is particularly difficult for
children. Children are born without a roadmap of the world, and they have to construct their own from the clues they
pick up from their parents. Some parents make it almost impossible for their children to reach a reasonable understanding
of the nature of the world”.
Mickey J. Moran,
A Very Peculiar Tragedy. (Page 8).
In a little while you’ll know everything about me. My beginning, middle
and (interim) end. My fear and cowardice (of which there was much); my resilience and courage (which was late in arriving).
My stupidities; and life’s absurdities. You will see where every blow fell on my unthinking and emotionally-frozen
existence. So what’s the rush?
Stay a while by the
noisy entrance to the network of lonely roads, swollen rivers, endless railway tracks, high seas and dark and scary tunnels
that carried me down, down, down to this point.
Once we enter upon
this journey, there is no turning back. You will have to stay with me for the whole trip – good and bad –
funny and sad. And ultimately, hopefully, enlightening!
I will not claim that there were no lighter moments in my childhood. That would
be wrong. But there were days in my childhood – days that I will relate in due course – without paining
or burdening you unnecessarily - on which the snow fell incessantly into my barren world, freezing me inside and out; and
even in mid-July, I could feel the stiff column of ice that ran through my soul from head to toe.
There were some good times, of course, and some bad. But in my early years it was hard to avoid the conclusion
that life was badly stacked against me.
And I often wished that
the peculiar silence of the snowfall would expand totally and swallow up the whole of reality; and send me into an eternal
tomb of silence, stillness, and numbness to all pain.
2. Cultural determinism…
Imagine if your life chances were determined by the novels your parents had read – and yours had read none,
because they were semi-literate at best. What then?
I don’t have
much information about my father’s schooling, but I do recall that my mother only got as far as Blue Book 3c: The
Cow Jumped over the Moon.
My father could read the evening newspaper, with
some obvious difficulty deciphering big words; and my mother could read Woman’s Weekly, and True Romance.
There is now a lot of research that suggests that the size of a child’s vocabulary
is one of the main determinants of their life chances; and that there is a huge gap between the vocabulary of middle class
parents and working class parents, and just as big between working class parents and the most deprived welfare-dependant families
(sometimes referred to by the demeaning title, ‘under-class’).
But literacy may not be the only important predictor. What if your emotional
intelligence was determined by your parents’ capacity to control their own anger and rage, and yours had none, because
of a long history of imperial suppression and political violence?
And what if
the happiness of your infancy depended upon your parents’ ability to love each other, and to love you – but they
had none, because they were born into loveless, arranged marriages?
3. Life is difficult…
I know your life
has been difficult; and I am not claiming any right to be considered exceptionally abused or oppressed. According to
the Buddha, life is difficult for all human beings, and the difficulty results from our attachment to our desires.
Because we want things to be more pleasant than they are, we are unhappy about our life circumstances.
According to Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor, we are actors in a play that ‘the manager’
directs. And the manager is not a mere emperor of a mere empire, but Providence itself; Nature; the Universal Law of
Karma: the unseen hand of fate and Kismet.
The bards of old Ireland sought
explanations of our earthly trials and tribulations in the activities of the magical gods who rule us. But the Bard of England
put it like this:
“All the world’s
And all the men and women merely
They have their exits and their
And one man in his time plays
His acts being seven ages.
At first the infant,
Mewling and puking
in the nurse’s arms…”
As You Like It
So why not continue our story there: at the entrance
of our infant actor upon the sorry stage set by an illiterate family in an impoverished village in rural Ireland, near the
end of the Second World War?
 Betty Hart and Todd R. Risley, The Early Catastrophe: The 30 million word gap by the age of 3. American Educator, Spring
2003, pages 4-9.
...End of extract...
Extract from Chapter 4
Copyright (c) The Institute for CENT and Dr Jim Byrne, 2015
Chapter 4 - by Daniel O'Beeve
“Humans are easily terrorized, frightened and persuaded to stand down – in order to survive. The
people of Crumble Baan and the surrounding areas of Lenster Beag made a huge mistake in thinking it was a good idea to save
ten percent of their people by allowing one hundred percent of their community to be enslaved by the Earl of Swafford.
They did not reckon on their enslavement lasting for almost one thousand years!” (Page 16).
1. “Has the cat got your
Why can’t I just blurt it out? Tell my story?
Scream it at the top of my voice?
Alas, as a child, I had no voice! I had no words! I had no clarity of
thought or feeling. I had no rights. I had no platform. I had no space in which to be; to know; to have.
And how can a voiceless child tell his story? What a double-bind!
This double bind has reduced me to having to use something like the painting strategy
adopted by one female German artist. She (whose name I cannot recall) spreads different coloured oil paints on a board,
and then allows her hands to move various tools through the paint, over and over again, with no intention in mind, no conscious
intention, hour after hour, day after day after day, for weeks or months, until one day she has the sense that her non-conscious
mind has shaped the paints into the staggeringly beautiful message that it wants to send to the world.
So I write and write, re-write and re-shape; struggle with images, and sounds, and
dreadful aches in the heart; and burning tears in my eyes, and lumps in my throat; until, at some point, I get the sense that
the bruised and battered little boy in the basement of my mind has got his message out there; expressed something which is
deep and meaningful for him! Said his piece!
Sometimes I wake
in the night, and I have an image, or a phrase, and I dash to my computer and try to get it out on the page, before it is
sucked back into the chamber of denial: the pit of repression.
ist ihr Son Hause Base". ("A mother is her son's home base".)
It would be decades before I achieved any conscious awareness of how much I longed for
my mother; longed for her love; her approval; her interest in me, and affection for me. All of those things should (in
theory) have been obvious to me by virtue of their absence – but we cannot note the absence of something that has never
But now I know I had somehow lost my home base!
2. The personal history of a two-year-old…
The Ireland about which I write is not the ‘real Ireland’. Nor is it
an ‘unreal Ireland’. It is the personal-Ireland that I experienced as a feeling being, having been thrown
(by fate; by nature) into a particularly dysfunctional family, which happened to live in Ireland. Nowhere do I imply that
any of the members of this family were ever anything but non-conscious actors in a play that was shaped by thousands of years
of largely unknown history!
This is how the nightmare began:
When I first began to write, I was seeking nobility and elevation – charm and sophistication.
I wanted to ape those social models we are told to ape! I didn’t know that as a grown man I would sit and write
about the dark, pungent, orange piss in the white enamelled piss pot.
piss had built up overnight from Daddy’s and Mammy’s visits to the pot, which always stood on the bedroom landing.
They used this pot to save themselves a journey to the outside toilet, at the end of the back yard. I was just two years old
–today! - and as my ‘celebration’, I was totally preoccupied with scooping this interesting liquid up with
a discarded Potters Asthma Remedy tin, and drinking it down hungrily, when, out of the blue, Mammy’s big, flat
hand struck me across the back of the head, causing me to topple forwards and kick the piss pot down the stairs, splashing
its contents everywhere. I followed, toppling after it, down the long, dark staircase.
I landed hard on the rounded bottom of the upturned pot, knocking the wind out of me. My hand-knitted romper suit
was covered in piss. It would not be a happy birthday.
As I lay across
the piss pot, I thought I glimpsed the little blue bear in a dark corner of the living room, by the front porch. He had originally
been part of me (I think!), but now was totally outside of me, and so distant I could no longer feel him.
He was prostrated on the floor, shrouded in dark shadow. As I focussed in on him,
I saw the big pink foot descend upon him, and squeeze him into the lino-covered floor. I hated that foot, which had tormented
me for so long.
I knew how painful it was to be stood upon
in that way. Then the big pink foot moved upwards again, about the height of the window sill, and stamped hard on the blue
bear’s body. The effect was, strangely, to wind me even more. But I had no further thoughts or feelings about his plight.
I had serious problems of my own.
My mother, Neeve, who at that time I knew only as Mammy, rushed down the stairs after me, screaming something like:
‘Don’t be dead! Don’t be dead!’ She was in a state of panic because, as I learned years later, she
lived in dread of coming to the attention of the ‘authorities’ for neglect or abuse, which would have shamed her.
She picked me up roughly, examined my limbs and head for signs of injury, decided I was uninjured, then smacked me several
times on the legs and the arse, to ‘teach me a lesson’. I was decidedly unclear what the lesson was. Don’t
get caught drinking piss? Don’t drink piss? Or perhaps just this: Don’t be curious?
One of the daily lessons drummed into me and my older sister was this: Curiosity killed
Mammy’s major injunctions were: Wake up! Get up! Shut
up! Stand up! Stand still! Behave yourself! Stop that! Stand up straight! Do as you’re told! Eat this! Don’t be
so bold! (Meaning: don’t misbehave). Stand up! Sit down! Don’t look at me with the white of your eyes!
(Which meant, I think, look downwards to indicate submission). And: Go to sleep!
Her way of enforcing her will, to ensure total obedience to her every command, was the use of her big, flat hand:
her slapping machine.
little blue bear flinched in the corner by the front porch. He groaned. The big pink foot had him pinned to the ground. There
were only two kinds of beings in the gate lodge: the hurters and those they hurt. The only way to avoid the hurters
was to become invisible.
If you want to imagine me, lying there on the piss-stained lino, you need to take into account that I had a big round
head, with wispy brown hair, and a small skinny body; that my face was pretty well blank, because nobody had ever addressed
a direct statement to me; nor smiled into my face. So my social and emotional intelligence were very low – retarded
is the technical term.
I must have screamed and roared in pain, as I fell
down the stairs, and crashed onto the pot; but nobody came to my rescue. The lovely priests of god, who dominated our
local culture, did not rush in to intercede for me; to wish the Love of Christ upon me. The nuns, who served in the
army of the priests, did not arrive to urge my mother to treat me gently. In fact, the Catholic Church was very much
in favour of beating the fear of god into god’s children.
were no ‘social workers’. This was, after all, 1948, in Dublin. Even in England and American, at that
time, there was still great insensitivity to the plight of children in pain or emotional distress. It would be two more
years before Mary Ainsworth joined John Bowlby to begin their famous studies of childhood attachment maladjustments, out of
which came a greater sensitivity to children, at least in official circles in England.
Bowlby’s revolution can be summed up like this: 'Bowlby’s major conclusion, grounded in the available
empirical evidence, was that to grow up mentally healthy, “the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate,
and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment”.
(Bowlby, 1951, p. 13).'
So, understandably, because nobody yet cared a damn about the heart
and mind of the child, nobody was coming to my rescue on that terrible day!
3. Back to the beginning…
is Daniel O’Beeve. I was born in the tiny rural village of Crumble, County Wicklow, in the Irish Free State, in the
summer of 1946. My Daddy, Owen, had a small farm of about two and a half acres, which he lost to the bank because he couldn’t
repay a loan he’d taken out to modernise his cottage. (Modernise meant: put the front door back on new hinges, paint
the crumbling woodwork, and repair sixty years of neglect and weather damage to the windows and roof.)
I was twelve months old when Owen lost the farm. He then went to work for a local landlord – or ‘big
farmer’ – who accommodated us in a ‘haunted’ cottage, and bullwhipped Owen when he worked too slowly,
or when he ‘spoke back’ to him. For this reason, Owen sought work in the city as a gardener, and, when I was fifteen
months old, he and Neeve, along with my older sister Caitlin, who was eighteen months older than me, had to move to the city
Neeve was twenty-one years old, and Owen was thirty-eight.
End of extract!
From copyright material.
 Bretherton I (1992). 'The Origins of Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth'. Developmental Psychology 28: 759.
Extract from Chapter 25…
Copyright (c) 2015,
The Institute for CENT, and Dr Jim Byrne
No part of this material can
be used in any way without the express written permission of the copyright holders...
Brothers of Christ were spectacularly successful in destroying all folk knowledge about human sexuality, and replacing it
with guilt, shame, fear and ignorance. Out of this mess came total confusion, in which some victims of sexual ignorance
victimized some victims of sexual repression or sexual confusion – and vice versa. It was a total mess!”
Micky J. Moran, A Very Peculiar Tragedy…
The Catholic Church wrecked my chances of having a happy adolescence and early manhood.
My mother and sister did the rest of the damage!
Becoming a fully-functioning
sexual being is one of the gravest challenges of later boyhood and early manhood. By ‘fully-functioning sexual
being’, I mean a man who is capable of love and tenderness and sensuality; and realistic attitudes towards the possibilities
of egalitarian and cooperative engagement in mutually satisfying sex with a consenting adult partner; involving full orgasmic
One of the biggest lies of Western culture is that sex is straightforward
for men; and that it is only women who struggle with sexual difficulties. The myth says that men have big, hard dicks
which they seek to shove into any available, warm, wet hole; that there are no feelings attached; and that they are willing
to engage in foreplay if that is the price they have to pay for a quick shag. This is a parody of male sexuality and
the human love urge. Men are as confused about sex-love as women are. And they need help to understand themselves
as sexual beings, and to comprehend that sex is part of a process of sensual, sex-love relationship.
According to Bernard Zilbergeld’s book, human sexuality - (indeed primate sexuality) - is driven and shaped by culture rather than by instinct.
So in this regard we are different from dogs and other non-primate mammals, who are ruled by instinct and the oestrous cycle,
which switches on and off the urge, and the opportunity, to mate.
There is of
course an automatic sexual urge to reproduce, which occurs in humans in the form of sexual arousal and erection. But
this does not determine the shape of socialized sex. That is determined culturally.
So, men who grow up in cultures which have dysfunctional attitudes towards sexual congress, (and that includes just
about all of them!), end up being relatively disturbed in their approaches to sex (rather like Harlow’s monkeys, which,
having been deprived of maternal affection and comfort during critical periods of their young lives, did not know how to engage
sexually with a potential mate! Some tried to mount the heads or limbs of receptive females!)
Indeed, it is fairly clear that – just as speech and language have two
different origins – human sexuality and sensuality also have two different origins. Freud made the mistake of
confusing these distinctions, and failed to note the original difference and the later (post-pubertal) convergence.
Sensuality is related to physical comfort, love, affection and relationship. Sexuality, in
its original, emerging form is related to reproduction only. When the two are brought together, they amount
to socialized human sex-love capability.
A loving mother who promotes
a capacity to enjoy sensual comfort in her children, is a necessary, though not sufficient, condition for the later emergence
of healthy sex-love attitudes.
Up to recent times, there was little understanding
of such matters, and little or no sex education.
Most males learned what
they know – which is often very little – about sexuality from smutty humour, dirty jokes, myths, legends, pornographic
novels and magazines, and distorted fantasies – especially the fantasy of the Big Steel Cock and Endless Shafting!
All men, everywhere, probably need some help to understand their sexuality, and how it relates
to sensuality, love and relationship.
In the case of men who grew up
under the influence of the Irish Catholic Church, the need for help in rethinking the subject of sex-love is much greater
than the average.
1. A man
doused in perfume! …
One of the strangest aspects of working at the jewellery
company emerged towards the end of my first week there. (I was still just fourteen years old, going on nine!) Suddenly a fat
man with curly hair came into the main jewellery room, where I was working at a bench, sawing silver rings to go in the top
of medals. He was about forty years old. He began to sing: “I feel pretty; oh, so pretty; I feel pretty, and
witty, and wise…” I thought this was a strange song for a man to sing. He was clutching
an outsized white handkerchief in his left hand, and wearing an expensive, grey suit with a waistcoat. Instead of a tie, he
had a silk scarf tucked into the neck of his shirt. A small piece of his handkerchief protruded through the hole formed by
his forefinger and thumb, while most of it passed through his fist, and trailed out several inches beyond his little finger.
As he sang, he waved this scarf around, cascading scented powder all over his audience: which comprised me, and Paul and Albert
Wirrowitz, Jack Shannon, and Helen Jenkinson, the charge-hand who supervised the six or eight girls who worked in the main
jewellery room. This strange singer was Peter O’Pranter, the travelling salesman for the metal jewellery company.
When I moved downstairs onto polishing, O’Pranter would often sidle up to me and sing
one of his strange songs, while smelling like a collection of scent bottles in a department store. I was told he had started
as an apprentice fifteen years earlier, and had been promoted to sales assistant, and then to be company representative.
One day, Lance Barrington told us, in the back basement, that he’d been instructed
– when he was fifteen years old - to go on the road with Peter O’Pranter, as his sales assistant. Lance didn’t
mind this, and they travelled about eighty miles from Dublin, calling at three jewellers’ shops and trying to get orders
for our company. Then they arrived in Kilkenny, and went to the hotel where they were to stay that night. Lance went to the
bedroom with O’Pranter, who told him that, of the two beds, he had promised the single one to a friend of his who was
due to arrive later, so he and Lance would have to share a double bed. Lance said he didn’t mind, as he had often been
camping with lads, and they all slept together.
During the night Lance woke
up to find that his ‘teapot spout’ was in O’Pranter’s excited hand. Lance retrieved his member and
told O’Pranter that there are things the doctors could do for men like him, and Lance then moved to the empty bed, since
O’Pranter’s mystery guest had not arrived, and was unlikely to do so.
Stuart had also had a similar experience with O’Pranter- when he was just fourteen years old - but he left the hotel
room in the middle of the night, and slept in a chair in reception until morning, and then took a train back to Dublin.
“Did you tell Mr Wirrowitz?” I asked, meaning Harry Wirrowitz, the big boss.
“Of course not!” said Lance.
not?” I asked. “After all, that’s a very bad thing he did.”
don’t understand much, do you?” asked Lance. “We can’t report Peter to the boss because he would never
take our word against Peter. And we have no witnesses.”
was an oppressive, fucked-up paedophile abuser of under-age boys! A product of Catholic suppression of the human sex
(reproductive) urge; and possibly a victim of sexual abuse by a member of the clergy, or a Catholic teaching brother; or somebody
who had been sexually abused by the clergy or a Catholic teaching brother.
Catholic Church could not help Irish society to learn how to control and manage the Peter O’Pranter-like abusers and
exploiters who are found all too often in this culture. Why? Perhaps mainly because they would not distinguish
between healthy sex and unhealthy sex. (They denounced all sexual activity.) And perhaps also because the Catholic Church
was a principal hiding place for every kind of sexual deviant in Ireland. All committed to living a celibate life; but
mostly failing to do so. And all spreading a huge amount of psychological damage through the very fibre of the society!
The little white goat travels across the desert for three days with the slaves, at the
back of the camel train. The slaves feed him succulent vegetation and bring him water. But on the morning of the fourth
day, the slave who rescued him realizes that the goat has been identified as today’s lunch. And so he takes the
goat from the camel’s carrying-frame and discretely drops him on the side of the track, to save his life.
The little white goat is now very exposed in open desert, but he scampers away from the
trail, and tries to find his way towards an oasis. He travels for many days on his own, eating scrub grass and other
morsels of vegetation wherever he can, but only once finding a source of water.
On the seventh day since he’d escaped from the Saravey, he becomes sick and feels exhausted. He lies
out in the open sun, for lack of shade, and patiently awaits his death.
is completely immobilized by the time two wandering Bedouin sages come by, walking with their camels. They are wearing
big, loosely wrapped turbans of white cotton, to ward off the midday heat. Their spiritual identify is communicated
by the yellow ribbons they wear on their long, pale blue kaftans. They stop to examine the goat.
“Honourable Sheikh”, says the younger man. “Let us help this little goat”.
Sheikh Exal Rambini examines the goat closely. “There is nothing we can do
for this poor little animal”, he says, pulling his long, grey beard downwards and smoothing it with his right hand.
“How unjust it is of God to allow such suffering on this planet of ours”,
says the younger man.
The old Sheikh smiles and rocks his head from
side to side. “Let me tell you something, Hader Afzala” he says to the younger man. “After this
goat has departed, there will still be a little white goat on this planet of ours”.
The younger man looks confused. “But it won’t be this little white goat!”
“There is only one little white
goat”, says the elderly sage, “and it is eternal!”
younger man looks totally mystified; and the older man laughs out loud. He laughs and coughs and splutters, until his
guts and ribs hurt.
The little white goat, of course, is beyond caring!
I was barely fourteen and a quarter years old when I received
an invitation which probably changed my life forever.
Lance Barrington and Thomas
Delaney were both members of the South Dublin ShimasuJudo Club, in Charles Street: two blocks up from where ‘Brass buttons, blue coat (the nanny goat)’
used to direct the traffic when I was traveling by bus to the Black Abbot’s School, about three years before I started
work at the metal jewellery company. The Black Abbots School is about five hundred yards past the club. Lance and Thomas
asked me to join them at the club, and I went along with them, because I’m like that: compliant. I had to do a six-week
basic training course, on six Monday evenings, from half past six until half past nine.
The club is housed in the basement of a huge, old, Georgian building, beneath Doyle’s Department Store. It’s
half the size of a football pitch, with a huge dojo (or practice) mat the size of a tennis court. The dojo mat is a kind of
canvas sheet which covers a thick rubber underlay, which is designed to prevent broken bones when people are thrown on it.
Off one end of the mat is the shower and toilet block, and off the other is the men’s changing room, and then the women’s
changing room beyond that. Women have a special evening all to themselves, Wednesdays, when men are not allowed to train.
But men can come and watch from the waiting room while the women and girls train.
Soon after completing my basic judo training course, I went in for a grading contest, and
defeated my opponent. I was awarded my white belt. But I did not like the grading experience. Judo is supposed to be a game
of graceful skill, and exponents are not supposed to use stiff arms or sheer strength to defeat an opponent. That’s
what our Japanese trainers told us, and I believe them. But most beginners and low grades do just that: they push me around
the mat with rigid arms, and try to use force to throw me onto the mat.
had two visiting Japanese trainers, who came over from Tokyo especially for one week to train us. They have strange names
– Mr Osaka and Mr Yamada – and they look very different from us. There is no comparison between a Japanese man
wearing a judo suit and an Irishman wearing a judo suit. The Japanese have lithe bodies, and they move like tigers stalking
their prey in the jungle. Their faces are calm and serene, and they move with a personal wholeness that I have never seen
When the next grading opportunity came around, three months after I
got my white belt, I was advised by the club chairman to go in for my yellow belt. I decided not to. I like the Japanese approach
to judo, which is like ballet. It is not about brutality, but about grace. So I practice gracefully, and get defeated all
the time. But I don’t mind. The point is not to win, but to try to do it properly.
Mr Yamada steps on to the dojo mat, like a cultured leopard,
and speaks: “Do not follow where the weak man go”, he tells us, pointing to the west with his left index finger.
“He go wrong road. He go down road”, he continued, pointing his left thumb towards the dojo mat. “High
road is road for you. Understan’?”
He bows to the group
of assembled Irish judoka. I bow as deeply as I can to Mr Yamada. There is something very powerful and compelling about
got home from the club, on my bicycle, one evening when I was about fifteen and a half, Caitlin, who is almost seventeen,
was in the front room with a chap. She said he was called Mark Jardine, and he was her boyfriend. They were both adjusting
their clothes when I entered the room. Mark seems alright. He’s about nineteen, and he’s got a pleasant smile.
He’s about my size, with mousey hair which is curly. “I’d better go home”, he says to Caitlin, as
I headed for the kitchen for my supper. It was almost midnight.
Why do they
always need to adjust their clothes? I wonder.
3. I’ve got a social life…
the age of sixteen onwards I begin to go out on Saturday evenings with the judo club members, who sometimes organize a barbecue
on a private beach adjacent to golf clubs south of Dublin. We gather at the ‘Ace of Hearts’ bar, on Burgh Quay,
around seven o’clock, - a group of about twenty or thirty young men and women - and have a few drinks. (I am only allowed
one bottle of Harp lager; and the older boys watch me to make sure I stick to that). Then a convoy of cars sets off
to the locked gates of a golf club. A club member unlocks the gates, and our convoy enters the grounds, and drives to the
We are normally the only people on that part of the beach. We
have our drinks and some barbecued chickens with us. We have portable transistor radios to listen to English stations
that broadcast the Beatles, the Animals, the Small Faces, and other English pop groups. We dance together, in male-female
couples, or in a big, playful circle.
The judo club is very different from Wattling Town. There are all kinds of people here: doctors and lawyers; students
from Trinity College and University College; shop keepers who sell sweets and one who rents washing machines; an electrician,
two policemen, one police sergeant, and two army sergeants; occasional English visitors, sometimes from the Navy; some nurses;
and factory workers like Lance, Thomas and myself, and three other working class members from Wattling Town. I find it fascinating
watching how differently all these people behave with each other: how they speak; what they say; how they stand and look at
each other; and so on. Most of the members are Jackeens, but there are a few Culchies.
When I was about sixteen and a half, I begin to travel to the openings of new judo clubs down the country. I go along
as the ‘body’. Somebody has to demonstrate judo throws and hold-downs for the audience, and somebody has to be
thrown and held down – ‘the body’. That was my role. In exchange I get driven around in a nice car; have
lunch on the road; nice accommodation in a hotel for the weekend; and invitations to dances and house parties from the wealthy
promoters of the new clubs. Staying in hotels, I get to meet all kinds of people. For example: little old ladies who obviously
have lots of money look at me like I am some kind of film star. Young girls with nice manners speak to me at breakfast. Waiters
and waitresses serve me, not knowing I am somebody who, in another world, is nobody.
On one such exhibition weekend, I mislaid my white belt, and had to look around for a replacement before going on
the dojo mat. There was a brown belt hanging on a hook in the dressing room. So I borrowed that.
Out on the mat I was thrown forwards, backwards, sideways; strangled; held in arm-locks; and generally treated like
a sack of potatoes. My picture appeared in the ‘Carlow People’ newspaper, on the front page. ‘Daniel O’Beeve
bites the dust, as Connor McInchcliffe completes a classic shoulder throw’ was the caption. I liked it, even though
I was just a blur!
When I get back to Dublin, I continue to wear the brown belt.
I like it. I feel it is was the right belt for me, given my commitment to balletic, non-violent judo. It’s the next
belt down from black belt, and I really like the idea of being a black belt, one day.
The second time I wear my brown belt on to the mat, in Dublin, the mat master, Sean Haggerty, who is a genuine brown
belt holder, calls out: “Hay, Danny. Take that belt off, and put on your white belt!”
I blushed with shame and embarrassment. Instead of going back on the mat wearing my white belt, I put on my tracksuit
and go for a long run along the quays of the river Liffey.
I have broken a very important rule. I have acted from an inflated ego. I
wanted to be an exalted brown belt. I had not earned it! I have lied by action, and failed to live up to my commitment
to be a good young man.
I was now a ‘little man’ at home. Almost as soon as
I started work at the metal jewellery company, I got special treatment at home. I was allocated a special place at the dinner
table. Tandy had to get out of the armchair by the fire if I wanted to sit down. Neeve would order him out. “Let Daniel
sit by the fire!” she would say. Or: “Make room for Daniel.”
was a very new and enjoyable change in status.
Owen calls me in the morning,
at 6.45am, just before he leaves for work. I get up, have a cup of tea and some homemade bread and jam; collect the cheese
sandwiches, and pint of milk, that Neeve prepares for me the night before; and go to work.
For six months from the age of fourteen, I take the bus to work, and then walk around the city to do my messages
(errands) for the metal jewellery company. Then I do practical work in the factory. At any time during the day I can be called
to the front office and told to go out to collect or deliver something. Then, about four thirty each day I am called to the
front office and given all the completed orders that need to be posted to customers, at the second biggest post office in
After doing the post, I finish work (around five o’clock, or
soon afterwards); go around the corner to the grocery store and buy a sandwich and a couple of bananas, and a small bottle
of milk. I then take the bus four stops from Christchurch to Charles Street, and eat my food in the changing room of the judo
club. Then I change into my tracksuit, and go for a run along the quays. Sometimes Liam Joines, who had his own electrical
company, drives four of us up to the Phoenix Park, and we run through the park. For endurance training, we have to run
with somebody on our shoulders. That’s very difficult!
When I was
fourteen and a half, there was a bus strike in Dublin, and Neeve had to agree to let me ride my bicycle into the city, otherwise
I would have lost my job, and she would have lost my wages. When Harry Wirrowitz heard I was riding my bike to work, he said
I should use my bike to deliver and collect the messages. But I said: “Mammy won’t let me do that!” Strangely,
he accepted that it was okay for me to cycle into the city on my bike, but not okay to cycle around the
city on my bike, and so I continued to walk from place to place as I did my daily message runs.
I tend to walk very slowly, daydreaming – looking in shop windows, admiring the architecture, soaking up the
city – and sometimes, when I get back to the general office, Harry or Sandra, or Jack Shannon, would complain about
how long I take. But they never insist that I should cycle.
But now I can cycle
to the Phoenix Park from the judo club, and run in the fresh air of the park; cycle back to the club; shower; train for two
or three hours; shower again; and then cycle home. I often get home at eleven o’clock or eleven thirty, and my dinner
is still on a covered plate, and the plate is on top of a saucepan of warm water, with the gas light on low beneath it. Neeve
always leaves some dinner for me. Sometimes I eat my dinner at the kitchen table, and sometimes I take it into the living
room and eat in a fireside chair. Mostly, everybody is in bed when I get in. Other times, Caitlin and Mark are adjusting their
clothes and saying goodnight. What are they up to?
Sometimes, as I
pass the mantelpiece in the living room I notice that there are clippings from a magazine pinned to the wall with sewing needles.
I read some of them. They seem to be from advice columns in women’s magazines. They talk about how men should treat
women tenderly; and how women needed to feel loved; and that cold hearts are difficult to endure. I assume they are indirect
communications from Neeve to Owen.
I wish Owen and Neeve could be happy. I
wish Owen was not such a harsh, cold man. I wish Neeve was not so belligerent. I wish I could feel comfortable about who I
am, and who they are.
I was crushed by my parents and my teachers, and by Caitlin and my school peers. I
was totally defeated and deformed. Now I was working and earning, and relating to people in work, and the judo club,
in a very different way; or potentially different. But could I really claw back the power that have stolen from me; and denied
“Sanjay Dahele writes that it is our
resolution to be free that begins the revolt against empire, and all forms of bullying; that ends the obedience to an evil
power. He argues coherently that the fetters of slavery are mental; that slavery is primarily a mental state. Once you
reject the role of slave in your heart, you will find you are free. Refuse to obey orders from those who have no right
to command you. To rebel against their orders is your divine right. To obey them is to collaborate with Evil!”
Micky J. Moran, A Very Peculiar Tragedy…
I hope I can
act upon the ideas of Mr Moran, in his very interesting book about the consequences of the abuse of power.
Mr Osaka is sitting in the meditation position. The
contrast between his black belt and his white judo suit is dramatic. The Japanese characters on the end of his black
belt are impressive. A group of about thirty club members from Dublin sit opposite him. His teaching is over for
the evening, and it is time to calm our minds and meditate.
dealing with life”, he says, in a heavy Japanese accent, “go not too hard; not too soft! Understan’?
Not brittle, like tea cup!” he says, bringing his hand down hard on the mat, to illustrate how a cup would shatter when
struck like this. “Not like soft egg!”, he says, squeezing his right hand to indicated how vulnerable an
egg would be to such compression. “In dealing with power, support only good emperor; reject evil emperor. Not
too much obey anyone; not too much rebel ‘gainst anyone. Middle way! Understan’? Always, middle way!”
We all nodded our understanding.
he bowed his head and said, “Moksu!”
is the signal to begin meditation. We close our eyes. I see two pathways open up before me. But I stick
to the grassland in the middle ground between them. I will always remember this lesson, I tell myself. Then I
clear my mind, and meditate on the strange open space that appears to float above my head.
In the middle of that space is a boy with a list of questions. I cannot read any of the questions! I
cannot imagine what they might be.
5. It’s now 1968, in England…
And I am almost 22 years
I lie on the canvas stretcher, which is slotted into a holding
frame, inside the ambulance, on the left-hand side. One of the male nurses, the one with the sandy hair, sits right beside
me and keeps telling me all will be well.
From the stops and starts of the engine,
and the feeling of which way it’s turning, it seems to me that the ambulance is headed out onto the A64, and then on
to the M5 southbound, which goes through Birmingham, Worcester and Cheltenham. The driver is certainly stepping on the
accelerator, but he doesn’t use the siren.
From the moment they secure
the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, I am on the alert.
This is the unfolding
of the greatest crisis of my life so far - and I am far from sure of finding a safe passage through it!
of extract from Chapter 25.
copyright (c) 2015
- The Institute for CENT and Dr Jim Byrne
of this material may be copied or used in any way without the explicit, written permission of the copyright holders...
 Zilbergeld, B. (1995) Men and Sex: A guide to sexual fulfilment. London: HarperCollins.
 Harlow, Harry F. (1962) The heterosexual affectional system in monkeys. American Psychologist, Vol. 17(1), Jan 1962,
The next step…
This is the
end of the free extracts from ‘Obedience and Revolt’, by Daniel O'Beeve
There are still five chapters
to be experienced and digested.
How will the curious boy escape? What will become of the little white goat? And the little blue bear?
And will Daniel ever get beyond re-living his dysfunctional childhood in his painful adult relationships?
Will Professor Valises’
research project come to a sticky end?
Buy the book to find out.
Watch this space!
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