Jim’s Briefing Document
on Anger Management

Introduction

Most people do not seem to be interested in lengthy texts, and elaborated explanations. We are all in such a rush these days that we want a quick guide to what to do which will make a quick difference.

Later on, we tell ourselves, we will return to this and do some more. So here is my attempt to help you to get some quick relief from the symptoms of intense anger and rage. Those emotions are a curse and can ruin our daily lives, at home and at work.

What are the four steps that you can quickly take to get your anger under control? As explained below, they are: diet; exercise; self-talk (or 'inner dialogue'); and relaxation/meditation.

1. Physical exercise

Read this next statement, put down this document, and take action. You don’t need specialist equipment, or track suits, or sweat bands. Just look at your watch; open the door; step outside; and walk briskly for ten minutes or more. Then turn around and briskly walk back home. DO IT NOW!

Later on, you might decide to join a yoga class, or learn Pilates, or swimming. But brisk walking is quite adequate to calm you down.

2. Diet

As soon as you get back home, and cool down, go into the kitchen and throw away all sugary cereals and other sugary foods, wheat and flour products, salt, fat, butter, cheese, most dairy products, and so on. Go to the shops/markets/stores and buy some fruit and vegetables, vegetable protein (beans, lentils, etc), restrict your consumption to animal products to two meals per week, and eat organic food if at all possible, and whenever possible. For snacks, buy some seeds and nuts; apples; pears; bananas.

Take a good quality multivitamin and mineral supplement every day. Take a maximum dose of Omega 3 fatty acid supplements: e.g. cod liver oil; fish oil capsules; etc.  Take extra zinc.

Avoid junk food like the plague. No pizzas, no burgers, no curries or bought-in lasagnes.  Avoid caffeine and cola drinks.

Read a good book on healthy eating. There is now convincing evidence that junk foods and their additives are one of the decisive fuels for crimes of physical violence! Anger can begin in the guts!

3. Self talk

In this section I will advise you on the kinds of irrational statements (shown in green text below) to look for and eliminate from the way you talk about, or think about, other people or situations that trigger anger in you. I will advise you to replace those irrational, unhelpful statements with some rational alternatives (shown in yellow text), as follows:

Get rid of these 'demanding' and 'damning' words from your vocabulary.

“I absolutely must get what I want when I want it, and any b***ard who gets in the way is in for trouble!”

Replace them with preferential and accepting words like the following:

“I would strongly like to get what I want… And anybody who frustrates me is behaving in a bad way, but they do not become bad persons”. etc.

Get rid of:

“It’s totally bad (awful, terrible, horrible) when people frustrate me, act against my wishes or rules, or cause me to look bad/foolish etc.”

Replace them with:

“It is reasonably bad…but not totally bad...” etc.

Get rid of:

“I cannot stand – cannot tolerate, bear, cope with, etc., - this kind of situation happening to me”.

Replace them with something like:

“I can stand it, even thought I would prefer it if I did not get to”.

Get rid of:

“Somebody around here ought to be condemned and damned as rotten and worthless. Let’s see: Is it me? Is it you? Or is it the way the world works?”

Replace them with:

“Some behaviours are bad, and some events in life are bad. But none of them is totally bad, and nobody deserves to be condemned and damned for their occasional crummy behaviours. And the world cannot be condemned for sometimes giving us difficult situations”.

Go over these statements many times, for days and days, and weeks and weeks, many, many times; until you drum them into the emotional centres of your brain. This could take hundreds or thousands of repetitions. Keep reading these new, replacement statements over and over again, and eventually they will replace the original exaggerated or distorted statements.

In general, give up demanding that other people, and life in general, 'should not' frustrate you.

Give up describing your frustrations and difficulties as "awful", meaning "totally bad". Would you trade any of them for a broken arm? No! Then it's not much more than 20% bad, and certainly not 100% bad.

And give up denouncing and damning other people to hell when they frustrate you, break your personal rules, or cause you to lose face in your mind's eye.

Stop behaving like an angry baby, and try to be more adult. Life is difficult, so stop demanding that it should flow like a dream for 'special' you!

4. Relaxation/Meditation

It is very hard to get angry if you are totally relaxed. And it is very difficult to avoid getting angry when you are feeling stressed and uptight. You must get a good night’s sleep every night to avoid feeling stressed and angry. You need balance and harmony in your life: eight hours work; eight hours rest; and eight hours play, as a general guideline (except sometimes).

You also need some extra help to stay calm. So make a decision: Am I going to learn to relax, and/or to meditate? Or am I going to continue to live in a frazzle? Then take action.

You can learn to relax just by committing yourself to slowly repeat the word “Relax”, or "Calm", over and over again, inside your head, when you are walking between events; commuting; preparing food; and so on. The thought, “Relax”, sends a message to your body to relax. When your body is not relaxed, your mind cannot relax. And when you are not relaxed, and somebody frustrates you, you are most likely to snap at them.

Meditation is best learned in a local centre or training class, with a qualified teacher. After a few weeks you can learn to do it on your own, and then do it for the rest of your life. It is a wonderful way to relax, and a great way to start every day as a cheerful, calm pleasure! Meditation is just watching your breath as it goes in and out. And paying attention to the present moment. But it is wonderfully relaxing.  (There is also a philosophical element - learning to operate from loving kindness instead of nasty reactive meanness!)

Progressive relaxation is another approach. This can be learned in a class, or from a book or video/DVD. Jacobson’s progressive relaxation system is the best known approach, but there are many modern derivatives. You can get a relaxation programme based on audio hypnosis, by Glenn Harrold, at diviniti dot co dot uk, for a modest cost. This is a wonderfully easy way to relax.

Summary

So the four steps to controlling your anger are these: Healthy Diet, Daily exercise, Managed self-talk, and Relaxation/meditation. If you want to read some more on how to control your self-talk, please go to Jim Byrne's Anger Management page, here.

Good luck with your battle against anger. It is well worth the effort to make this change. Make changes in small easy steps. And if you slip back, do not beat yourself up. Just recommit to changing your diet, exercise and self-talk; and recommit to get into and stay in daily meditation/relaxation practice.

PS: Some people have a more complex problem with anger, which comes from a lack of internalized Parent Messages to behave reasonably; and this kind of problem with anger needs a different kind of approach. That's where the object relations and moral philsosophy elements of Cognitive Emotive Narrative Therapy come in.

To discuss any problems of anger, please email:

Dr Jim Byrne, at ABC Coaching.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne
Doctor of Counselling

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